Tomorrow I start my Blogging from A to Z April 2015 Challenge. If you are not familiar with this challenge, I urge you to check them out.
Today I went to the counseling session with the nurse, that my GP had set up for me. I was anxious all morning just thinking about the appointment. Will I start crying? (I did) Will it be embarrassing talking about my depression and anxiety with a total stranger? (It was).
I had told my GP a bit back that my psychiatrist was useless and I wanted a referral to another one. She obliged and set up this appointment with the nurse for a “talking session” in the meantime. Today was the appointment and my partner drove with me. She was off work today and is always supportive. I cried for most of my appointment but we discussed things my psychiatrist never discusses. Usually he just stares at me while I cry for 20 minutes, then asks if I need any refills. This was a nice change of pace and it was a whole hour of actual interaction. My anxiety slowly melted away the longer the appointment went on, as I felt very at ease with her. We have a follow up in 2 weeks.
When I had arrived home today, there was a voice mail on my telephone answering machine (yes I still have a land line). It was my referral to a new psychiatrist I had just asked for about 2 weeks ago from my GP. I have my moron psychiatrist at 9 am tomorrow so after that I will call back the new psychiatrist’s office when I return home. This is giving me hope. Hope that if I just keep trudging along, there might be some light at the end of the tunnel. New hope brings with it, new opportunities.
I saw this cartoon on one of the blogs I follow and absolutely love, Motivating Giraffe.
My new, but dear friend just messaged me on Facebook saying she is back from the hospital after having her cervix, ovaries and uterus out. I have been looking after her 2 cats, going over there feeding them twice a day, hoping I won’t disappoint my friend. I hope I feed them just right. I hope I don’t do something wrong while over there, etc…
She said she was home in the Facebook message and couldn’t find one of her cats. OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!
Whew! 10 minutes just passed, the cat appeared. Oh shit, was getting very anxious. I so don’t want to screw this up, I want to be there for my friend in her time of need. She is a bit older than myself and doesn’t have a lot of friends. She lives alone so it will be tough for her for the next few weeks. She can’t do any stairs or drive so I will need to help her there as well.
I hope I don’t have a real mental breakdown in that time. I need to keep it together for a few weeks which might be hard. I do feel better than 10 days ago when I was in the throes of my Cymbalta withdrawal after switching to Zoloft. I was convinced at the time there was no way I could look after someone else, let alone myself. That has subsided. I re-added Clonazapam to my diet. Actually, my GP gave me a prescription for a few of them while my whole Cymbalta thing was happening and my psychiatrist was away. Takes the edge right off but I get sleepy and don’t want to do anything which is fine I guess. I can’t have one today, I need to go over and look after my friend tonight before she goes to bed and stuff.
I did it. I actually went out to that Grand Opening of a new restaurant I wanted to try. EVERYTHING on the menu was half price and I really enjoyed myself. As soon as my partner came home from work last night, she saw I was dressed (not nicely but it wasn’t my usual pajamas) and inquired if we were going somewhere. I told her a really wanted to try this new place even though it was a bit late but I was wrestling with my anxiety.
I didn’t speak with anyone there except the waitress and when the owner stopped by our table. It was a community event but I was too embarrassed to put myself out there and talk to people. Will they see through my bravado and see that I am depressed, anxious and self loathing? We sat at our little table all to ourselves and spoke about the day. We don’t go out much so it was nice.
Joined a Facebook group for my neighbourhood (sorry spell check, you are incorrect, I’m Canadian! This is an interesting, close-knit group that seem to have lots of opinions. I like to get the latest info on new stores opening in our village and things like that but am a bit leery about the whole thing. There is a Grand Opening of a restaurant down the street that many from this Facebook community are planning to attend. I want to go BUT I make excuses like :
- Oh, my partner works till 830pm, might be too late to go.
- I haven’t showered today (its Saturday, I’m depressed and I didn’t go anywhere today so don’t judge!)
- I might get too anxious and say something stupid or worse, they could ask about my work . Do I tell them I am off on disability? Don’t think so.
- I can’t drink to calm my nerves. I am staying away from alcohol, as it is a depressant.
So, as I was writing this, I walked away twice to go “freshen up”, thinking I still have an hour before my partner gets home, then we could go. I want to go but I keep coming up with reasons why I shouldn’t go. I’m anxious, plain and simple. My anxiety is winning.
Received a letter from my insurance notifying me that my STD (short term disability) is coming to an end in 2 months. Wow, have I really been off work for that long? After a year, LTD (long term disability) kicks in but its a whole thing! The insurance will want more forms to be completed by my psychiatrist and I need to PROVE I can’t do my job still. These days, the only thing besides the thought of returning to work that is causing me anxiety, is dealing with the insurance company. Just because I’m not in a wheelchair with 2 broken legs or some other physical malady, then I should be fine by now! That’s what they seem to think. I wonder what I need to do to prove I am not able to work. Do I need to harm myself?
My depression and anxiety are not getting better and lately, they’ve been worse. I have a dear friend who just had her ovaries removed and a hysterectomy yesterday and she will be home from the hospital on Sunday. I am expected to help look after her which is what friends do for one another. I am just so worried I will disappoint her in some way, as I am having a hard time looking after myself properly these days.
I will be participating in this year’s Blogging from A to Z April 2015 Challenge. You must blog every day in April except Sundays. Each new post every day will have a subject matter corresponding to the letter in the alphabet for the day.
My overall theme for the month will be on depression and anxiety, in keeping with my blog. I think it will be a great way to connect with others taking the challenge and get me in a habit of writing every day. Should be an adventure.
Got a speeding ticket today, was deserved but let me back the day up some!
My partner took today off so she could go to my psychiatrist appointment with me for support. I needed a strong voice in my corner to express my frustration of not being able to “fix” my anxiety and now, my deepening depression because of it. I have been slipping deeper into a depression again because of my hopelessness I feel in dealing with my anxiety. The frustration I am having with my psychiatrist at the moment in making matters much worse. I feel he is not helping me in the least and I have been waiting for a referral to a psychologist for quite some time. My insurance is on my case, wanting to know what’s taking so long. Every time they call, I just get all stressed all over again. I just want to tell them, “Hey, I’ll call YOU when I start to feel better, how’s that?”
My psychiatrist told me the doctor he was trying to refer me to, isn’t taking anyone who deals with insurance because it requires too much of her time. WOW! So I guess I must wait even longer now. I ended up seeing my GP last week in the throes of my Cymbalta withdrawal problems and because I was very worried about my frame of mind (enough said of that). She set up a counseling session with a nurse next Monday to talk so at lease I have THAT. My psychiatrist of course upped my Zoloft another 25 mg even though I am soaking the bed in sweat every night because of the low dose I am on now.
Very distracted, driving home, crying a bit, cop standing on side of road with a radar gun. He got me going rather fast in a 50 kph zone so I was clearly in the wrong and I admit that. I roll down the window and start crying again and the cop asks if everything is ok. I reply that I’ve just come from my doctor’s office and am upset. My partner chimes in that I suffer from depression and I’ve been having a rough time of late. He said he would be very fair and he was. He reduced the ticket as low as possible and no demerit points.
My partner had to drive home because I was a mess. I have no coping skills, seems they are broken and I am feeling like I am constantly walking around on egg shells. I almost feel like I am having a hard time looking after myself in a few ways.
“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”