My Secret Depression

A few thoughts that came across my mind today on depression and secrecy.  I realized today that nobody except one lone friend, knows about my struggles with depression and anxiety outside my parents and partner.  I have always been too embarrassed or ashamed to share that side of me.  Unfortunately that means I walk around feeling like a fraud most the time thinking to myself, “what if they really knew about me and my depression and anxiety?”  My parents don’t even know the half of it.  I choose to keep them in the dark to not worry them.

The lone friend who I can share a bit with is a recent friend, a little older than myself but is actually a neighbour.  We have become fast friends over the winter and I trust her completely.  This friend cut to the core of my anxiety and how it relates to me being so fearful that I will lose it and start crying at work. I figure on and off, I have been in therapy for over 20 years.  In all that time, in all that crying, all the different pills, who knew all I needed was the company of a wise friend to help heal my heart.

Sometimes when you talk things out with someone impartial who has no real vested interest in you, they say something or ask something that makes you stop and ponder.  Why hadn’t my psychiatrist asked me that key question?  This seems important.  A flushing sensation rushes through my body as I think I am having a massive AHA MOMENT.  It could have been a hot flash you never know as I am close to Peri-menopause.

The important thing to note is that I felt a sense of hope for once in a long time that night.
I love my partner, I love our dog, but sometimes you need someone with a fresh perspective to come along and pop into your life.

Everything happens for a reason and people come into your life for reasons that sometimes are never clear.

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5 thoughts on “My Secret Depression

  1. As someone who’s suffers from depression I understand how hard it can be to open up to people. For the longest time I refused to let people know I was fighting or suffering. Why? Because I was embarrassed, afraid, I thought I was lose friends. But it came to the point where I realized that this was part of who I was, and I decided to start being more open about it. And sure, there were people who didn’t understand. but I ended up connecting on such a deeper level than I ever thought possible. It really helped me feel not alone and like I could handle this. I’m not saying it’s easy by any means. It was the hardest thing for me to ever do. Opening up takes an insane amount of courage, and I hope one day you can invite more people into you’re true self. You are not alone.

    I run a blog on mental illness called “Dear Hope”, join the community here: wemustbebroken.wordpress.com

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