What’s This, Hope?

I’ve found hope.  Sounds simple enough but it has been so damned illusive.  When I felt it, I was caught off guard not remembering the last time this emotion made it’s presence known.

I went to see my GP yesterday, as my Cymbalta withdrawal was not going well and my psychiatrist is on vacation.  I also wanted to get a referral to another, more capable psychiatrist in my opinion.  My doctor convinced me to stick it out with my psychiatrist because there would be about a year’s wait for another one.  Part of the many pitfalls of the Canadian Health Care system.  A fifteen minute appointment turned into a 45 minute one (I think she was giving me a psych test) and she spent a lot of time asking me questions.  I was not used to this.  Normally I just get stared at by my psychiatrist my whole appointment. Its all very awkward.  She gave me 2 resources I was unaware existed, as well as hooked me up with a nurse for counseling sessions, all covered by O.H.I.P (Ontario Health Insurance).  I left there after sobbing for 45 minutes, feeling hope for the first time in I can’t remember when.

Woke up today, no nausea from the Cymbalta withdrawal so hopefully that is over.  The nurse from the doctor’s office called first thing in the morning to touch base and see how I was.  We’ve scheduled an appointment for two weeks from today to discuss my depression and anxiety and what she might be able to help with.  Feeling relieved.  Actually messaged my friend and we took my dog for a long walk around the neighbourhood.  Its just above freezing here and sunny so it was beautiful.  We talked about counseling and how it helped her once or twice in the past.  I smiled, I laughed a little bit and I had the energy for a nice brisk walk.  Yesterday when I was struggling with the encapsulated poop, I had just left it in the yard and went in the house crying.  Today, I picked up that poop!  Yes I did.  I also took out a ladder and changed the decorative flag in front of the house.  This is a big deal for me as:

  1. I have been feeling incapacitated the last week.
  2. This flag changing business is a two person job.

I can’t wait till my partner gets home, she will be so surprised, and relieved that I am up and about, functioning and everything.  I am looking forward to our weekend off together.

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