Empty

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Today is brought to you by the letter “E” and I choose for it to stand for “EMPTY” as part of the A to Z Blog Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

For the better part of a year or two, I have been feeling very lost and empty inside.  Not sure where I’m going and why I’m going there.  If we could, my partner and I would sell everything and go retire in Central America somewhere like Panama or Belize.  We aren’t old enough for retirement and then if we did that, what would happen then?  What would I do?  Would my depression and anxiety suddenly be cured?  Would my emptiness be filled?  I’m not sure it would be that easy. 40-something

I wonder if I am going through a mid life crisis?  I know I am already peri-menopausal.  My doctor even put me on birth control pills to try and level my moods out in case my anxiety was being caused by fluctuating hormone levels.  I wrote about this strange experience in a recent blog post entitled, “What’s a Lesbian To Do With Birth Control Pills?

I am off from work on medical leave and sometimes wonder if I will ever return.  I feel there is something else out there, the universe has plans, I just can’t see them yet.  I can’t imagine being back at work without me crying in the bathroom again, or having a panic attack as I sit in my car.  Am I supposed to go back to this and just “deal”?  I don’t see that happening anytime soon and that leaves me with this huge void inside.  I feel empty and lost like some stray buoy, bobbing aimlessly in the sea.

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3 thoughts on “Empty

  1. I think the emptiness is one of the more difficult aspects of this illness, you feel nothing but are in pain, it seems so at odds doesn’t it, and the moments of joy don’t last very long, you only have more emptiness to look forward to.

    Sorry to sound bleak, because there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, I know about being peri menopausal, that is just the cherry on top!!! have you tried mindfulness training or as others on here colouring, zentangle, even going for walks, they just help shift the focus a little and give some relief.

    Liked by 1 person

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