Today is brought to you by the letter “G” and I choose for it to stand for “GUILT” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.
My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.
Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes —accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation. It is closely related to the concept of remorse. (More on that topic later in the month)
Sound familiar? Guilt seems to travel hand in hand with depression, or at least it has with mine. I frequently feel guilty that I am off work on disability and earning a smaller salary as a result. This makes me feel like I am not pulling my weight in my relationship and starts all sorts of negative self talk in my head. I know I shouldn’t think like that and my partner is fine with that whole thing but I can’t stop thinking that, no matter how many times you tell me. I know it’s frustrating to you, guess how I feel?
I also feel really guilty that I am not “there” for my partner like she is for me. She never needs anything, as she has such a sunny disposition and is always happy it seems. Right now as I write these words, I can hear her upstairs in the kitchen puttering around, whistling some made up tune. I wish I wasn’t in an anxious or depressed mood half the time, ruining her mood. I sometimes wonder why she is still here with me after 25 years, it’s a shear miracle.
I feel very guilty when my depression floods back in suddenly and I am left crumpled in my bed, unable to take my dog for a walk. My partner takes her alone and just “understands”. My poor sweet dog, loves me unconditionally and here I am, ignoring her wants and desires. Walks are what she lives for and sometimes I can’t get my ass out of bed to make her happy.
Thank goodness I am having another good week and my energy has slowly returned. I can actually feel the difference between being depressed and just being lazy so I’ve started running again. My partner and I had started running again this Spring, after a few years layoff but it lasted until it started snowing again. I need to keep it up and make it a habit if it stands a chance of sticking. In the meantime, I’m slowly catching myself more and more when I slam myself into a guilt trip and try to put the brakes on it before my whole mood gets shot for the day. I am also feeling more creative with my photography and can’t wait for some warmer weather here in Canada to get out and shoot some Spring flowers.