Today is brought to you by the letter “S” and I choose for it to stand for “SUICIDE” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge. My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.
Suicide, what an ugly word. I have always hated this word because it brings up feelings of shame, remorse, guilt and embarrassment. While struggling with anxiety and depression, I have felt the urge to end my life many times. The thought of suicide is revolting to me but also intoxicating. When you are feeling so low that you want the invisible warm comforting cloak of death, wrapped around you. It’s not that I want to commit suicide, it’s just that in order for me to not be here anymore, that is needed unless I die in an accident. On a recent plane trip, I thought to myself, I would be “ok” with this plane crashing. I just didn’t want to commit the dirty deed myself. My previous GP once told me something that has stuck with me over the years, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” This has deterred me in my quest for eternal sleep, on several occasions. I have been struggling with this post because I am afraid to share too much but I know my audience and what they can and can’t handle.
So on that note, I recently came across a suicide note I wrote several months ago. It was more of a journal I started (before I started this blog) to chronicle my slow fall into a dark, depressive episode which I saw no way out of. The journal was meant to be an educational tool to my doctor, family, etc. I wanted people to know I tried but I was too tired to fight anymore and was going to try and kill myself.
Here is an excerpt: “First off, my apologies to whoever had to find me. I did not write this note as a last action before I go, it was written over days and weeks. Depression can be a fatal disease and it was in this case but only because I was too weak to fight. I had decided to take control of the situation. No longer wanting to suffer the whims of depression, I needed to end it’s life before it took mine. Things needed to end on my terms. I have always said to myself that if things get to where I can’t handle it anymore, then I have an out. I can take final control, and so I did.”
The note goes on for 3 pages and it all seems rather narcissistic in hindsight. I am no longer in that depressive episode but I know it can return with a vengeance without warning. I am keeping the note, or rather journal for now. I have not decided to die so far but the future is a mystery. I know that my depression is likely to return again and I will feel the urge to hurt or punish myself once again. I just hope that when that day comes, that I can resist the urge.