So, yesterday I wrote about the situation with my friend’s birdbath. It can be read about here.
Well of course I overreacted. She wasn’t hinting all along that she needed her birdbath back. She wanted a new one that was all. She said she would have asked for it back if she wanted it but she gave it to me as a present for helping her and it was mine to keep. I still expressed my embarrassment at being clueless and not bringing the subject up but she never thought about it for a second.
Why does my mind always go to the negative and assume the worst? I was so worried she thought I was so insensitive and clueless. I ended up having a panic attack and everything, all brought on by my negative thinking. My stomach was in knots and I couldn’t eat unless it was junk food it seems. Hindsight is 20/20. Still had to take an emergency Clonazepam for 2 days now and still feel bad about the whole thing.
Wow, this is a surprise blog post. A surprise because 10 minutes ago, I was not even thinking about writing but I am now trying to ward off a full blown panic attack so I jumped on the computer to get my thoughts out. I am writing this through teary eyes and I want to get it all out before I panic too much.
Normal day then my one friend (my new, older friend who means the world to me) Facebook messaged me to ask if I wanted to go to a garden nursery nearby. I hadn’t gone to this one before and we both love gardening so off we went. I asked her on the way there what she was looking to buy, she said a new bird bath as hers is splitting. She wanted a glass one. She had given me a similar birdbath last month because she never used it. I did not clue in.
We browsed the store and she bought a new glass birdbath $49.99. Never clued in. Got home, my mother was there and she asked about my trip to the nursery with my friend. Told her she had bought a glass birdbath like ours. Then my mother said, “you mean like the one your friend gave you recently”? Then it hit me, I had told her that I thought it was a very generous gift but if she ever needed it, to let me know. Now, my friend invited me to go there to buy a birdbath and I said nothing. Then, while driving there the birdbath came up again, still nothing. My friend pays for the birdbath and I carry it to her car and secure it in the back seat. Nothing.
It took my mother (who has a history of making me feel terrible about myself) to remind me that I have my friend’s birdbath. This IS cathartic. I have stopped crying and am wondering if I am making too much of this all? I keep going back and forth thinking everything is ok, then wham! I then start thinking that my friend must think I am so insensitive for not offering back HER birdbath for cripes sakes!
The tears are flowing again. I have another browser tab open on Facebook messenger, awaiting my friend’s response to the apology I sent her for being so insensitive and clueless. When I was writing that message, I was crying so much by eyes kept blurring up and I had to stop to wipe away the tears. I started breathing really heavy and fast, oh shit, I was having another anxiety attack. It had been so long since my last one that I didn’t see it coming on till I was halfway into it. Did I fuck up this friendship too? I am such a loser, now she will see that and things will be different. I haven’t let my mind go that far yet, to where I don’t have that friendship, as it would be devastating to me.
I guess I just wait now till she reads my message which could be awhile.
I recently had a birthday. Notice I didn’t say “celebrated”? I hate my birthday, just another year older and still generally unhappy and unsatisfied with my life. I shouldn’t feel this way. I have a partner of 25 years that loves me to bits, I have a home, I travel, I have people who care about me. It still doesn’t seem like much when I am depressed and that is why we don’t mark the occasion.
I have been thinking about when in life, I started hating my birthday. I can’t seem to pinpoint any particular year but I think it was in high school. I didn’t have a lot of close friends in school so maybe I started getting bummed that I didn’t have a lot of people to celebrate it with. Maybe I started hating my birthday because I didn’t have friends who wanted to do anything for me.
I never kept in touch with my high school friends, nor the college ones. Instead, my small group of “acquaintances” are mostly my partner’s friends. Everybody loves her and she has no shortages in the friend department. I wish I could be more like her but sometimes I say the wrong thing or am disinterested when I hang with people.
Now, I think I hate my birthday because I am one year older and none the wiser. Same old depression and anxiety following me around like a pestering five year old.
When I was born, the world was so much different. I am only in my forties but I feel old. I put together a list of differences from when I was growing up, to now. They highlight just how far we’ve come.
- Being gay was illegal back then, now I am in a same-sex marriage.
- In school, you never learned about depression and anxiety-it was never spoken of or taught.
- I never had Facebook or other social media. Closest things was “IRC CHAT.”
- I am currently taking Prozac, a drug that was “the medication” for depression in the 80’s.
- Playgrounds used to have kids playing in them.
- You used to be “crazy” if you had a mental illness. (some still think this way)
- It used to be so cool if you knew someone with a phone in their car. (or a tattoo)
- Classified ads in a newspaper were the preferred way to meet someone new. Now it’s online dating sites.
Care to share some of your own?
Well I’ve been in an agitated state for the past few days. A bit sad, a bit angry (at what I don’t know). I am still crying for no apparent reason. Woke up very early this morning, saw my partner off to work and then started feeling guilty. I feel guilty that she had to go to work on such a nice day and she isn’t feeling very well.
I have been spending a lot more time with my (newish) friend who lives around the corner. I am having mixed feelings when I think about her. I think I am spending too much time with her and am becoming dependent on seeing her for my happiness. It’s not a sexual thing, I just feel really good when I am around her. She is 12 years older and lives alone. We have been hanging out together since the early winter and are very different “on paper.” In real life though it’s totally different. We both enjoy telling our crazy stories to one another and I am starting to rely on her for my happiness–something I swore I wouldn’t do again.
I have had only a few close friends over the years, as I always manage to push them away from me. More accurately, they usually run screaming from me after about a year. So far so good with my new friend. I hope I don’t screw things up. I have purposely avoided going over to see her for the past few days as I feel I am starting to bother her with all my stop-ins. She of course says this is nonsense but of course I don’t believe that. It’s the depression and anxiety lying to me again, telling me I am no good and nobody in their right mind would want to spend time with me.
For the sake of my well being, I messaged her on Facebook this morning asking her if she was working outside today (so I can stop by to see her without feeling too intrusive). She responded yes and she would like to see me. Of course, my mind thinks she has somehow made a mistake so I messaged back for her to let me know when a good time is later today. I want to talk to her about all this but am afraid I might scare her off or something.
For the record, my partner is totally cool with me spending so much time with this friend. There is no jealousy or concern. My partner feels bad that I am left alone a lot at night while she works so having someone I can spend time with is a blessing for her as well. She understands that I need someone other than her to talk to and I love her so much for that.
Well, it’s been a few days since my last confession, er, I mean POST. I took a few days off after the Blogging from A to Z Challenge in April. The weather here in Ontario Canada has been fantastic with highs in the mid twenties and sun, sun, sun. I have been spending it outdoors with my partner doing the usual Springtime yard work and planting. My mood has been good overall with little anxiety. My depressive mood has lifted (for how long is anyone’s guess). I have noticed that I have a hair trigger response to things lately. I am blaming it on the Prozac I just started for now. Will also blame the cravings for crap food ALL THE TIME, on the meds as well.
With the nice weather, I’ve been taking more photos. Picked up some extension tubes for my camera. I can’t afford a macro lens so the tubes are great for the price. Here are the ones I picked up. Best photography purchase since my Canon 70D.
I really enjoy macro photography, getting up close to flowers, bugs and even everyday objects. Here are a few shots of zippers, fruit, bugs, glass, camera equipment, pills, keyboards and wood.