Well I’ve been in an agitated state for the past few days. A bit sad, a bit angry (at what I don’t know). I am still crying for no apparent reason. Woke up very early this morning, saw my partner off to work and then started feeling guilty. I feel guilty that she had to go to work on such a nice day and she isn’t feeling very well.
I have been spending a lot more time with my (newish) friend who lives around the corner. I am having mixed feelings when I think about her. I think I am spending too much time with her and am becoming dependent on seeing her for my happiness. It’s not a sexual thing, I just feel really good when I am around her. She is 12 years older and lives alone. We have been hanging out together since the early winter and are very different “on paper.” In real life though it’s totally different. We both enjoy telling our crazy stories to one another and I am starting to rely on her for my happiness–something I swore I wouldn’t do again.
I have had only a few close friends over the years, as I always manage to push them away from me. More accurately, they usually run screaming from me after about a year. So far so good with my new friend. I hope I don’t screw things up. I have purposely avoided going over to see her for the past few days as I feel I am starting to bother her with all my stop-ins. She of course says this is nonsense but of course I don’t believe that. It’s the depression and anxiety lying to me again, telling me I am no good and nobody in their right mind would want to spend time with me.
For the sake of my well being, I messaged her on Facebook this morning asking her if she was working outside today (so I can stop by to see her without feeling too intrusive). She responded yes and she would like to see me. Of course, my mind thinks she has somehow made a mistake so I messaged back for her to let me know when a good time is later today. I want to talk to her about all this but am afraid I might scare her off or something.
For the record, my partner is totally cool with me spending so much time with this friend. There is no jealousy or concern. My partner feels bad that I am left alone a lot at night while she works so having someone I can spend time with is a blessing for her as well. She understands that I need someone other than her to talk to and I love her so much for that.