Anxiety Attack Coming…

Wow, this is a surprise blog post.  A surprise because 10 minutes ago, I was not even thinking about writing but I am now trying to ward off a full blown panic attack so I jumped on the computer to get my thoughts out.  I am writing this through teary eyes and I want to get it all out before I panic too much.

Normal day then my one friend (my new, older friend who means the world to me) Facebook messaged me to ask if I wanted to go to a garden nursery nearby.  I hadn’t gone to this one before and we both love gardening so off we went.  I asked her on the way there what she was looking to buy, she said a new bird bath as hers is splitting.  She wanted a glass one.  She had given me a similar birdbath last month because she never used it.  I did not clue in.

We browsed the store and she bought a new glass birdbath $49.99.  Never clued in.  Got home, my mother was there and she asked about my trip to the nursery with my friend.  Told her she had bought a glass birdbath like ours.  Then my mother said, “you mean like the one your friend gave you recently”?  Then it hit me, I had told her that I thought it was a very generous gift but if she ever needed it, to let me know.  Now, my friend invited me to go there to buy a birdbath and I said nothing. Then, while driving there the birdbath came up again, still nothing.  My friend pays for the birdbath and I carry it to her car and secure it in the back seat.  Nothing.

It took my mother (who has a history of making me feel terrible about myself) to remind me that I have my friend’s birdbath.  This IS cathartic.  I have stopped crying and am wondering if I am making too much of this all?  I keep going back and forth thinking everything is ok, then wham!  I then start thinking that my friend must think I am so insensitive for not offering back HER birdbath for cripes sakes!

The tears are flowing again.  I have another browser tab open on Facebook messenger, awaiting my friend’s response to the apology I sent her for being so insensitive and clueless.  When I was writing that message, I was crying so much by eyes kept blurring up and I had to stop to wipe away the tears.  I started breathing really heavy and fast, oh shit, I was having another anxiety attack.  It had been so long since my last one that I didn’t see it coming on till I was halfway into it.  Did I fuck up this friendship too?  I am such a loser, now she will see that and things will be different.  I haven’t let my mind go that far yet, to where I don’t have that friendship, as it would be devastating to me.

I guess I just wait now till she reads my message which could be awhile.


3 thoughts on “Anxiety Attack Coming…

  1. Pingback: Overreacting Once Again Causes Anxiety | My Depression And Anxiety Blog

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