Wow, this is a surprise blog post. A surprise because 10 minutes ago, I was not even thinking about writing but I am now trying to ward off a full blown panic attack so I jumped on the computer to get my thoughts out. I am writing this through teary eyes and I want to get it all out before I panic too much.
Normal day then my one friend (my new, older friend who means the world to me) Facebook messaged me to ask if I wanted to go to a garden nursery nearby. I hadn’t gone to this one before and we both love gardening so off we went. I asked her on the way there what she was looking to buy, she said a new bird bath as hers is splitting. She wanted a glass one. She had given me a similar birdbath last month because she never used it. I did not clue in.
We browsed the store and she bought a new glass birdbath $49.99. Never clued in. Got home, my mother was there and she asked about my trip to the nursery with my friend. Told her she had bought a glass birdbath like ours. Then my mother said, “you mean like the one your friend gave you recently”? Then it hit me, I had told her that I thought it was a very generous gift but if she ever needed it, to let me know. Now, my friend invited me to go there to buy a birdbath and I said nothing. Then, while driving there the birdbath came up again, still nothing. My friend pays for the birdbath and I carry it to her car and secure it in the back seat. Nothing.
It took my mother (who has a history of making me feel terrible about myself) to remind me that I have my friend’s birdbath. This IS cathartic. I have stopped crying and am wondering if I am making too much of this all? I keep going back and forth thinking everything is ok, then wham! I then start thinking that my friend must think I am so insensitive for not offering back HER birdbath for cripes sakes!
The tears are flowing again. I have another browser tab open on Facebook messenger, awaiting my friend’s response to the apology I sent her for being so insensitive and clueless. When I was writing that message, I was crying so much by eyes kept blurring up and I had to stop to wipe away the tears. I started breathing really heavy and fast, oh shit, I was having another anxiety attack. It had been so long since my last one that I didn’t see it coming on till I was halfway into it. Did I fuck up this friendship too? I am such a loser, now she will see that and things will be different. I haven’t let my mind go that far yet, to where I don’t have that friendship, as it would be devastating to me.
I guess I just wait now till she reads my message which could be awhile.