Zoloft

Zoloft

Today is brought to you by the letter “Z” and I choose for it to stand for “Zoloft” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

Well, last day of the A to Z Blogging Challenge for April and today’s topic was chosen a month ago.  I am no longer on Zoloft, as I couldn’t handle the horrendous night sweats and am now on Prozac.  I have been on so many depression and anxiety medications over the last year that I am becoming quite an expert on meds.

IMG_9469_1I have a confession to make.  It’s my birthday and I’ve had a really great day outside in the fresh air.  I’ve tried writing this post 3 times already but don’t have much to say because I’ve switched my anti-depressant 2 weeks ago to Prozac.  So far, so good I guess.  On that note, I am going to go back outside and enjoy the rest of the early evening here in Canada.  It has been a beautiful week and so will the coming weekend.

My partner is off work this weekend so we will be busy with yard work, getting ready for summer.  I might take a few days off blogging and spend some quality time together.  If you can, try to do the same.

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Yearn

Yearn

Today is brought to you by the letter “Y” and I choose for it to stand for “YEARN” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

I yearn for normalcy, whatever that looks like.

I yearn to be able to say yes easily to a social invite without feeling the heightened anxiety that goes along with it.

I yearn to be like the majority that have problems but aren’t floored by them.

I yearn to be off this merry-go round of medications that has turned me into a walking pharmacy.

I yearn to be able to earn enough from my photography so I wouldn’t have to 9-5 it anymore.

I yearn to be the equal partner my spouse deserves.

I yearn to not have thoughts of suicide when things get rough.

I yearn to sell it all and move to Belize.

Xylography

Xylography

Today is brought to you by the letter “X” and I choose for it to stand for “XYLOGRAPHY” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

Today I wanted to talk a bit about how having a hobby such as photography, has helped me with my battle with depression and anxiety.  As I have become more intimate with my Canon 70D, I have become interested in working with wood and photos somehow.  I have a project lined up where you transfer a photo onto wood and it was this project I saw online that got me interested in Xylography after some Google searching.  (I tend to go off on tangents when I Google)

Definition of XYLOGRAPHY

:  the art of making engravings on wood especially for printing.
Here are some examples:
Goncharov_Ksilografiya-013xylography picture

Worry

Worry

Today is brought to you by the letter “W” and I choose for it to stand for “WORRY” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

I worry, a lot.  I am constantly worrying about whether my insurance will try and send me back to work.  I worry that my neighbours wonder why my car is in the driveway each day.  Do they know why I am off work?  Do they care?  Likely not but these worries are with me constantly.  I spoke a bit about this on my previous post on Judgement. worry

Most of the things I worry about are things that are beyond my control and I realize that but it still doesn’t stop me from the worry.  My mind is my own private hell, full of worries that are useless to worry about.

Vulnerable

Vulnerable

Today is brought to you by the letter “V” and I choose for it to stand for “VULNERABLE” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

Synonyms: Helpless, defenseless, powerless, impotent, susceptible.

Dealing with mental illness, I have often felt vulnerable.  I am vulnerable because my coping skills are gone.  What would normally be considered a minor nuisance, becomes a whole “big thing” because I feel so overwhelmed.  I am vulnerable to freaking out over the smallest of reasons as well as hair trigger anger/irritability issues.  These are new for me and I think it is really just from feeling so frustrated lately with my depression and anxiety.

My partner realized that I had a set back this week (in trying to get a referral to another psychiatrist who isn’t a quack.)  Because my coping skills are gone, she knows that small chores like phone calls or shopping are tough for me right now, she has stepped up and done all these things for me.  I feel the guilt creeping in but I know she loves me and doesn’t mind.  She realizes that I might start crying in public at any time so she makes sure when we do go out, I have my sunglasses.  She understands that I am constantly walking on eggshells, always feeling vulnerable to attack from unknown sources.

I have also been feeling rather vulnerable lately because I have been confiding in my one friend who knows about my depression and anxiety.  It is scary being honest with another person about how I have been suicidal lately.  I am so worried she will freak out and not be able to handle it.  Of course, she has not given me this idea at all, I am just ruminating bad thoughts all the time.  I am vulnerable to that.  keep-calm-and-be-vulnerable

Unkept

Unkept

Today is brought to you by the letter “U” and I choose for it to stand for “UNKEPT” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge. My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

Whenever I get into one of my depressive episodes, I become unkept.  I rarely brush my teeth and will only shower about 2 times in a week, if that.  If I didn’t have to go to my doctors appointments, I probably wouldn’t bother at all.  It all becomes so tiring, so overwhelming.

When I get depressed, I just stop caring for my well-being and because everything seems like such a chore, I forgo the basics.  I usually just pull on a sweatshirt and ball cap and make my way to the store when I must, all the while praying I don’t run into someone I know.  I have never been a girly girl so my usual is a pair of jeans and a shirt or sweater.  Right now, I am wearing my shirt I slept in and a pair a jeans that I really need to wash.  My socks I put on this morning were brought to me by my lovely golden retriever.  I usually take them off while in bed and they end up on the floor or on my dog’s bed come morning.

IMG_0514

Therapy

Therapy

Today is brought to you by the letter “T” and I choose for it to stand for “THERAPY” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge. My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

I attend therapy (if that’s what you want to call it), once a week for 20 minutes.  Hardly seems like enough time for anything therapeutic if you ask me.  I have been trying to get a referral to a new psychiatrist but nobody will accept me because I already have a psychiatrist. (the Quack I wrote about a few days ago)

I had my hopes up earlier in the week when my GP’s office called me with a referral to another psychiatrist.  I called and they never called back.  A nurse from the GP’s office called again this morning to say the new psychiatrist wouldn’t call me back because they wouldn’t be accepting me as a patient due to the fact they don’t offer “second opinions.”  That really bothered me and I keep thinking to myself, “do I have to hurt myself in order to get help?”  This upsets me to think like this and I have been crying on and off all day today, unable to control my emotions. My partner came home from work to be with me.  She didn’t have to but I appreciated it.  To stop the crying, I took a Clonazepam and waited for it to make me drowsy.  I laid down and cried myself to sleep.

This is why I need therapy.  I think I need a psychiatrist who will work with CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) or something.  I’m not really sure what CBT actually is but I heard it might help.  I also think I need a psychologist but those are not covered by insurance.   All I know is I am very frustrated and need some sort of effective therapy, not the type I am getting now.

I have an appointment with my Quack this morning and my partner is going with me to lay down the law.  I don’t have the nerve to do it so my partner will be the “bad guy”.  I need to fire my psychiatrist first, so I can get another one which means I will be without my prescriptions and insurance paperwork for awhile.  This is not acceptable and brings me back to where I am thinking I need to hurt myself in order to get the help I am looking for.  Frustrating.

Suicide

Suicide

Today is brought to you by the letter “S” and I choose for it to stand for “SUICIDE” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge. My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

Suicide, what an ugly word.  I have always hated this word because it brings up feelings of shame, remorse, guilt and embarrassment.  While struggling with anxiety and depression, I have felt the urge to end my life many times.  The thought of suicide is revolting to me but also intoxicating.  When you are feeling so low that you want the invisible warm comforting cloak of death, wrapped around you.  It’s not that I want to commit suicide, it’s just that in order for me to not be here anymore, that is needed unless I die in an accident.  On a recent plane trip, I thought to myself, I would be “ok” with this plane crashing.  I just didn’t want to commit the dirty deed myself. My previous GP once told me something that has stuck with me over the years, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”  This has deterred me in my quest for eternal sleep, on several occasions. I have been struggling with this post because I am afraid to share too much but I know my audience and what they can and can’t handle.

So on that note, I recently came across a suicide note I wrote several months ago.  It was more of a journal I started (before I started this blog) to chronicle my slow fall into a dark, depressive episode which I saw no way out of.  The journal was meant to be an educational tool to my doctor, family, etc.  I wanted people to know I tried but I was too tired to fight anymore and was going to try and kill myself. suicide

Here is an excerpt: “First off, my apologies to whoever had to find me. I did not write this note as a last action before I go, it was written over days and weeks.  Depression can be a fatal disease and it was in this case but only because I was too weak to fight.  I had decided to take control of the situation.  No longer wanting to suffer the whims of depression, I needed to end it’s life before it took mine.  Things needed to end on my terms.  I have always said to myself that if things get to where I can’t handle it anymore, then I have an out.  I can take final control, and so I did.”

The note goes on for 3 pages and it all seems rather narcissistic in hindsight.  I am no longer in that depressive episode but I know it can return with a vengeance without warning.  I am keeping the note, or rather journal for now.  I have not decided to die so far but the future is a mystery.  I know that my depression is likely to return again and I will feel the urge to hurt or punish myself once again.  I just hope that when that day comes, that I can resist the urge.

Remorse

Remorse

Today is brought to you by the letter “R” and I choose for it to stand for “REMORSE” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

This post will be very similar to my previous post on GUILT  from earlier in the month, as remorse is closely related.

From Wikipedia:  Remorse is an emotional expression of personal regret felt by a person after they have committed an act which they deem to be shameful, hurtful, or violent. Remorse is closely allied to GUILT and self-directed resentment.

I personally feel remorse about a particular incident years ago.  I tried to hurt myself, fatally.  Instead of doing what I was going to do, I ended up somehow at our nearby emergency ward, drunk and crying (I have since learned that alcohol and depression don’t mix well).  My parents and partner knew I had taken off from the house, set on hurting myself but had no clue where I was.  They called the police, they were looking for me.  My parents saw my mental illness in all it’s glory that night and it broke them.  I am remorseful about that night long ago.  Them at the hospital, out of their mind with worry.  I also feel remorse about that night because it was the time I fell from grace so to speak, in my parents’ eyes.

Mental illness can be downright ugly sometimes.  Loved ones and friends see you for who you really are and there is no more pretending.  The cat is out of the bag I guess.  Strange expression.

Quack

Quack

Today is brought to you by the letter “Q” and I choose for it to stand for “QUACK” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

A “quack” is a “fraudulent or ignorant pretender to medical skill” or a person who pretends, professionally or publicly, to have skill or qualifications he or she does not possess.

Lately I have been very frustrated with my psychiatrist.  I frequently refer to him as a quack whenever I speak of him.  He is absolutely useless and doesn’t ask me very much.  If I am not talking, there is this awkward silence that just hangs over the room.  He’ll just stare at me, waiting for me to say something, it’s awful.  At the end of our twenty minute weekly session, he will ask me if I need any refills and that’s it.  No cognitive behaviour therapy or anything “doctorly” or therapeutic ever happens and the only reason I still see him is because of my insurance and I need prescriptions. Quack

This picture was taken in my backyard.  We have ducks visit our pool every Spring.  This little duck reminds me of my psychiatrist.  I should name him “Quack.”