Yearn

Yearn

Today is brought to you by the letter “Y” and I choose for it to stand for “YEARN” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

I yearn for normalcy, whatever that looks like.

I yearn to be able to say yes easily to a social invite without feeling the heightened anxiety that goes along with it.

I yearn to be like the majority that have problems but aren’t floored by them.

I yearn to be off this merry-go round of medications that has turned me into a walking pharmacy.

I yearn to be able to earn enough from my photography so I wouldn’t have to 9-5 it anymore.

I yearn to be the equal partner my spouse deserves.

I yearn to not have thoughts of suicide when things get rough.

I yearn to sell it all and move to Belize.

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Empty

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Today is brought to you by the letter “E” and I choose for it to stand for “EMPTY” as part of the A to Z Blog Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

For the better part of a year or two, I have been feeling very lost and empty inside.  Not sure where I’m going and why I’m going there.  If we could, my partner and I would sell everything and go retire in Central America somewhere like Panama or Belize.  We aren’t old enough for retirement and then if we did that, what would happen then?  What would I do?  Would my depression and anxiety suddenly be cured?  Would my emptiness be filled?  I’m not sure it would be that easy. 40-something

I wonder if I am going through a mid life crisis?  I know I am already peri-menopausal.  My doctor even put me on birth control pills to try and level my moods out in case my anxiety was being caused by fluctuating hormone levels.  I wrote about this strange experience in a recent blog post entitled, “What’s a Lesbian To Do With Birth Control Pills?

I am off from work on medical leave and sometimes wonder if I will ever return.  I feel there is something else out there, the universe has plans, I just can’t see them yet.  I can’t imagine being back at work without me crying in the bathroom again, or having a panic attack as I sit in my car.  Am I supposed to go back to this and just “deal”?  I don’t see that happening anytime soon and that leaves me with this huge void inside.  I feel empty and lost like some stray buoy, bobbing aimlessly in the sea.

I Have Restless Soul Syndrome

I think I have a new malady on top of my depression and anxiety.  I have restless soul syndrome.

My love of travel was nurtured long ago by my parents.  They were always pulling me out of school for winter trips all over the Caribbean.  I remember it so well because I would have to do a project on my destination, that I would come back and present to the class.  Even back then, the prospect of talking in front of the whole class was quite stressful.  Maybe those scared feelings I had back then were the first rearing of anxiety’s ugly head.

These days, my partner and I only get to travel once or twice a year due to financials and work stuff which sucks.  If I could, I would sell everything and move away to Belize or Costa Rica and just be free.  Of course I am rooted in reality and this will probably never happen, at least in the foreseeable future.

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