Macro Photography

Well, it’s been a few days since my last confession, er, I mean POST.  I took a few days off after the Blogging from A to Z Challenge in April.  The weather here in Ontario Canada has been fantastic with highs in the mid twenties and sun, sun, sun.  I have been spending it outdoors with my partner doing the usual Springtime yard work and planting.  My mood has been good overall with little anxiety.  My depressive mood has lifted (for how long is anyone’s guess).  I have noticed that I have a hair trigger response to things lately.  I am blaming it on the Prozac I just started for now.  Will also blame the cravings for crap food ALL THE TIME, on the meds as well.

With the nice weather, I’ve been taking more photos.  Picked up some extension tubes for my camera.  I can’t afford a macro lens so the tubes are great for the price. Here are the ones I picked up.  Best photography purchase since my Canon 70D.

I really enjoy macro photography, getting up close to flowers, bugs and even everyday objects.  Here are a few shots of zippers, fruit, bugs, glass, camera equipment, pills, keyboards and wood.

Keyboard Canon lens Camera lens efs 15-85mm Fluoxetine Lemon Lime IMG_9888 Glass IMG_9898 wholly bear caterpillar Zipper Wood Knot

Advertisements

Zoloft

Zoloft

Today is brought to you by the letter “Z” and I choose for it to stand for “Zoloft” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

Well, last day of the A to Z Blogging Challenge for April and today’s topic was chosen a month ago.  I am no longer on Zoloft, as I couldn’t handle the horrendous night sweats and am now on Prozac.  I have been on so many depression and anxiety medications over the last year that I am becoming quite an expert on meds.

IMG_9469_1I have a confession to make.  It’s my birthday and I’ve had a really great day outside in the fresh air.  I’ve tried writing this post 3 times already but don’t have much to say because I’ve switched my anti-depressant 2 weeks ago to Prozac.  So far, so good I guess.  On that note, I am going to go back outside and enjoy the rest of the early evening here in Canada.  It has been a beautiful week and so will the coming weekend.

My partner is off work this weekend so we will be busy with yard work, getting ready for summer.  I might take a few days off blogging and spend some quality time together.  If you can, try to do the same.

Neglect

Neglect

Today is brought to you by the letter “N” and I choose for it to stand for “NEGLECT” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

Have you ever felt neglected, while dealing with mental illness?  I think we all have to some extent.  Either you can’t afford or can’t find the help you need?  You are certainly not alone.  Some sobering facts on mental illness from the Canadian Mental Health Association:

  • Mental illness indirectly affects all Canadians at some time through a family member, friend or colleague.
  • 20% of Canadians will personally experience a mental illness in their lifetime.
  • Mental illness affects people of all ages, educational and income levels, and cultures.
  • Approximately 8% of adults will experience major depression at some time in their lives.
  • About 1% of Canadians will experience bipolar disorder (or “manic depression”).

I think the reason a lot of people dealing with mental illness feel alone in their plight is because a lot of the time, mental health issues go unreported.  These are the neglected people and they are everywhere.  There are a lot of people out there who don’t want to seek help with their depression or anxiety because they are embarrassed or think there is no help.  They fall through the cracks and go unreported.   Sometimes, it gets worse and is reported as mental illness in hindsight, after a suicide.

When you neglect to help yourself, it is hard for others to see you as in need of help.  This just spirals out of control and you end up feeling helpless and broken.

There are lots of resources out there, ones you don’t know about yet so if you are struggling with depression and anxiety like I am, you need to know I have been recently helped by previously unknown (to myself) resources.  A few weeks ago I had a real mental health crisis.  I wanted to die and was fixated on it.  I couldn’t get in out my head.  My doctor set me up with one of her clinic’s mental health nurses for counseling and it September 18, 2013is much better than my psychiatrist.

I am guilty of neglect myself.  I feel I really need the help of a psychologist but I don’t have the money for one.  In Canada, psychiatry is free but not a psychologist.  I am covered with my work insurance but it will only get me about two sessions worth so I will forgo that option for now.  I feel I have enough doctors’ appointments scheduled already.

As I am writing this, I see over on Yahoo News, there is a new headline:

Homaro Cantu Dead: Famed Chef Dies at 38 of Apparent Suicide

Did not know the man, don’t know his story but it seems to me it is one of neglect.

Guilt

IMG_9429

Today is brought to you by the letter “G” and I choose for it to stand for “GUILT” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

From Wikipedia:

Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes —accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation. It is closely related to the concept of remorse.  (More on that topic later in the month)

Sound familiar?  Guilt seems to travel hand in hand with depression, or at least it has with mine.  I frequently feel guilty that I am off work on disability and earning a smaller salary as a result.  This makes me feel like I am not pulling my weight in my relationship and starts all sorts of negative self talk in my head.  8c3206994a71f489bf6a5ea60663d8d7I know I shouldn’t think like that and my partner is fine with that whole thing but I can’t stop thinking that, no matter how many times you tell me.  I know it’s frustrating to you, guess how I feel?

I also feel really guilty that I am not “there” for my partner like she is for me.  She never needs anything, as she has such a sunny disposition and is always happy it seems.  Right now as I write these words, I can hear her upstairs in the kitchen puttering around, whistling some made up tune.  I wish I wasn’t in an anxious or depressed mood half the time, ruining her mood.  I sometimes wonder why she is still here with me after 25 years, it’s a shear miracle.

I feel very guilty when my depression floods back in suddenly and I am left crumpled in my bed, unable to take my dog for a walk.  My partner takes her alone and just “understands”.  My poor sweet dog, loves me unconditionally and here I am, ignoring her wants and desires.  Walks are what she lives for and sometimes I can’t get my ass out of bed to make her happy.

Thank goodness I am having another good week and my energy has slowly returned.  I can actually feel the difference between being depressed and just being lazy so I’ve started running again.  My partner and I had started running again this Spring, after a few years layoff but it lasted until it started snowing again.  I need to keep it up and make it a habit if it stands a chance of sticking.  In the meantime, I’m slowly catching myself more and more when I slam myself into a guilt trip and try to put the brakes on it before my whole mood gets shot for the day.  I am also feeling more creative with my photography and can’t wait for some warmer weather here in Canada to get out and shoot some Spring flowers.

Who am I?

I am a forty something female from Ontario Canada who has been wrestling with depression and anxiety for most my life. I started this blog on the advice of my partner who says it might be cathartic.

For now I choose to remain anonymous but that’s not my long term plan. I feel very embarrassed about my mental illness but I hope to one day hear from others and maybe summon up the courage to let others know my struggles.  Until then, I will be using this blog to vent, digitally cry and journal my moods from day to day.  Buckle up, it might get ugly!

If you are struggling with mental illness, it can feel quite lonely, even if you have people all around you that care. If you see yourself in my musings, then please share because I would love to know that other people are going through the same thing as me and that I am not alone.