So, yesterday I wrote about the situation with my friend’s birdbath. It can be read about here.
Well of course I overreacted. She wasn’t hinting all along that she needed her birdbath back. She wanted a new one that was all. She said she would have asked for it back if she wanted it but she gave it to me as a present for helping her and it was mine to keep. I still expressed my embarrassment at being clueless and not bringing the subject up but she never thought about it for a second.
Why does my mind always go to the negative and assume the worst? I was so worried she thought I was so insensitive and clueless. I ended up having a panic attack and everything, all brought on by my negative thinking. My stomach was in knots and I couldn’t eat unless it was junk food it seems. Hindsight is 20/20. Still had to take an emergency Clonazepam for 2 days now and still feel bad about the whole thing.
Today is brought to you by the letter “T” and I choose for it to stand for “THERAPY” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge. My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.
I attend therapy (if that’s what you want to call it), once a week for 20 minutes. Hardly seems like enough time for anything therapeutic if you ask me. I have been trying to get a referral to a new psychiatrist but nobody will accept me because I already have a psychiatrist. (the Quack I wrote about a few days ago)
I had my hopes up earlier in the week when my GP’s office called me with a referral to another psychiatrist. I called and they never called back. A nurse from the GP’s office called again this morning to say the new psychiatrist wouldn’t call me back because they wouldn’t be accepting me as a patient due to the fact they don’t offer “second opinions.” That really bothered me and I keep thinking to myself, “do I have to hurt myself in order to get help?” This upsets me to think like this and I have been crying on and off all day today, unable to control my emotions. My partner came home from work to be with me. She didn’t have to but I appreciated it. To stop the crying, I took a Clonazepam and waited for it to make me drowsy. I laid down and cried myself to sleep.
This is why I need therapy. I think I need a psychiatrist who will work with CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) or something. I’m not really sure what CBT actually is but I heard it might help. I also think I need a psychologist but those are not covered by insurance. All I know is I am very frustrated and need some sort of effective therapy, not the type I am getting now.
I have an appointment with my Quack this morning and my partner is going with me to lay down the law. I don’t have the nerve to do it so my partner will be the “bad guy”. I need to fire my psychiatrist first, so I can get another one which means I will be without my prescriptions and insurance paperwork for awhile. This is not acceptable and brings me back to where I am thinking I need to hurt myself in order to get the help I am looking for. Frustrating.
Today is brought to you by the letter “M” and I choose for it to stand for “Medication” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.
My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.
I have been on a TON of different medications over the years for depression and anxiety. Effexor, Luvox, Buspirone, Zoloft, Cymbalta, Wellbutrin, Cipralex, Abilify, Lorazapam, Clonazepam, Diazepam (there are a lot of PAMS) and the list goes on with more forgotten meds. Recently I stopped taking Cymbalta and went through a bad withdrawal which you can read about on my blog post entitled, ” Cymbalta Withdrawal.”
My current Zoloft dose seems to be giving me really bad night sweats. I have to change out of my wet pajamas in the middle of the night when I am woken up by the sound of my teeth chattering. I am doing a lot of laundry these days! I also have been getting junk food cravings. I want to change this medication but I just started it and it seems to be working. The night sweats are just getting too much. The problem is that once I find an anti depressant that works, after a few years it stops working. It’s like your brain just gets used to the medication.
I sometimes feel like a walking pharmacy and it almost feels like I am being sanitized on the inside, with all this medication I am taking. Every morning it is the same routine, drink my tea in bed while checking my emails and Facebook. Then, I try and choke down a hand full of pills with last night’s stale leftover water. Not sure why I never use the tea for this other than the fact I might gulp it down to quickly. I like to enjoy my tea in bed or on the deck in the summer, without tainting it’s taste with that medicinal flavour.
Day one, April 1st. Happy April Fools Day ya’ll. Today there will be no joking, as today is brought to you by the letter “A” and I choose for it to stand for “Anxiety” as part of the A to Z Blog Challenge.
I have struggled with Anxiety for years, with it only becoming much worse over the past year or so. I am unable to work and have been on short term (STD) disability for over 10 months now. A few months back, I tried to return to work twice but didn’t make it back on either occasion. The first time, I cried all the way driving into work and sat in the work parking lot having panic attack after panic attack for an hour before I gave up (on work and almost on my life that day). That’s another blog post and letter of the alphabet though. The second time, I made it out the shower and half dressed before the waves of panic started rushing over me. That was as far as I got. The panic is from me worrying about “keeping it together” at work which is impossible as my coping skills are currently shot.
So what does anxiety feel like? If you are reading these words, you probably already know the answer to this question. Or maybe you know someone who has anxiety and just want to learn a bit more about what they are going through. I think it is different for everyone but for me, this is what it is like: I first start feeling the anxiety flow in almost like a warm river, flowing to all parts of my body. My arms feel heavy, my body starts perspiring, my legs feel like rubber, I feel like I am about to faint, I feel so nauseous I want to throw up, I start breathing heavier and heavier until I feel overwhelmed and I start to cry. I’m not sure why I am crying and that’s the problem. I can’t control it, it just floods in.
Imagine being at work when this happens? I can’t even get out my damn car and walk into that building because I am so afraid I am going to start crying at work and losing my shit. I once read that panic attacks only last 10 minutes, this is B.S. Mine have lasted all day, ebbing and flowing. I feel like a piece of seaweed being brought in and out by the tide with absolutely no control. The worse part for me is I usually sweat right through my clothes when I get a full blown panic attack and that time I sat in my car for an hour, I was soaked right through my nice work clothes-I couldn’t go in.
I have Clonazapam and Seroquel I use when I get a crisis which is usually once a week right now. It’s the uncertainty with the whole insurance/work situation that is preventing me from truly working on myself.
As an aside, found this cartoon on ANXIETY this morning that sums things up nicely and was quite timely.