Anxiety and Irritability

Well, this feels strange.  It has been awhile since I last posted and things have been a mixed bag of anxiety and happiness.  Today in particular has been rough.  I have been crying on and off most the day.  It started with me waking up again on soaking wet sheets.  Seems the night sweats are still around and they are every night.  I am blaming the medications for now for this embarrassing situation.

My insurance through work, has approved sessions with a psychotherapist which I go see every week for an hour or so.  She is really nice but she is fresh out of schooling and has an annoying habit of constantly asking, “Does that make sense?”.  To make matters worse, she scrunches up her nose and cocks her head to the side like my dog does when I ask her if she wants to go for a walk.  I am agitated so that is why I am being harsh.  At least I realize that my anxiety and depression is causing my short fuse and lack of patience. Every little thing makes me irritable. I was so embarrassed and disappointed in myself today when I couldn’t leave the grocery store because there was an older gentleman standing in the doorway, blocking it.  Usually this would not bother me in the least but I sighed loudly and told him not to stand in the way, as I hurried past him.  He probably did not hear me but I felt horrible I acted this way.  I also find myself with a touch of road rage now and again.  It is becoming more frequent as of late and this concerns me.

My partner has been away visiting a friend for the past week and it has been tough to say the least.  She is my rock, my support system, my everything and I have missed her.  We have mostly been using Facetime and Facebook messenger to communicate.  As a matter of fact, she was the one who said I should write a blog post and I usually listen to her as she knows what helps me in tough times.  I promise to keep posting about my psychotherapy sessions.

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Birthday Depression

I recently had a birthday.  Notice I didn’t say “celebrated”?  I hate my birthday, just another year older and still generally unhappy and unsatisfied with my life.  I shouldn’t feel this way.  I have a partner of 25 years that loves me to bits, I have a home, I travel, I have people who care about me.  It still doesn’t seem like much when I am depressed and that is why we don’t mark the occasion.

birthday

I have been thinking about when in life, I started hating my birthday.  I can’t seem to pinpoint any particular year but I think it was in high school.  I didn’t have a lot of close friends in school so maybe I started getting bummed that I didn’t have a lot of people to celebrate it with.  Maybe I started hating my birthday because I didn’t have friends who wanted to do anything for me.

I never kept in touch with my high school friends, nor the college ones.  Instead, my small group of “acquaintances” are mostly my partner’s friends.  Everybody loves her and she has no shortages in the friend department.  I wish I could be more like her but sometimes I say the wrong thing or am disinterested when I hang with people.

Now, I think I hate my birthday because I am one year older and none the wiser.  Same old depression and anxiety following me around like a pestering five year old.

When I was born, the world was so much different.  I am only in my forties but I feel old.  I put together a list of differences from when I was growing up, to now.  They highlight just how far we’ve come.

  • Being gay was illegal back then, now I am in a same-sex marriage.
  • In school, you never learned about depression and anxiety-it was never spoken of or taught.
  • I never had Facebook or other social media.  Closest things was “IRC CHAT.”
  • I am currently taking Prozac, a drug that was “the medication” for depression in the 80’s.
  • Playgrounds used to have kids playing in them.
  • You used to be “crazy” if you had a mental illness. (some still think this way)
  • It used to be so cool if you knew someone with a phone in their car. (or a tattoo)
  • Classified ads in a newspaper were the preferred way to meet someone new. Now it’s online dating sites.

twitter-facebook-tweet-update-birthday-ecards-someecardsCare to share some of your own?

My Depression and Anxiety Are Liars

Well I’ve been in an agitated state for the past few days.  A bit sad, a bit angry (at what I don’t know).  I am still crying for no apparent reason.  Woke up very early this morning, saw my partner off to work and then started feeling guilty.  I feel guilty that she had to go to work on such a nice day and she isn’t feeling very well.

I have been spending a lot more time with my (newish) friend who lives around the corner.  I am having mixed feelings when I think about her.  I think I am spending too much time with her and am becoming dependent on seeing her for my happiness.  It’s not a sexual thing, I just feel really good when I am around her.  She is 12 years older and lives alone.  We have been hanging out together since the early winter and are very different “on paper.”  In real life though it’s totally different.  We both enjoy telling our crazy stories to one another and I am starting to rely on her for my happiness–something I swore I wouldn’t do again.

I have had only a few close friends over the years, as I always manage to push them away from me.  More accurately, they usually run screaming from me after about a year.  So far so good with my new friend.  I hope I don’t screw things up.  I have purposely avoided going over to see her for the past few days as I feel I am starting to bother her with all my stop-ins.   She of course says this is nonsense but of course I don’t believe that.  It’s the depression and anxiety lying to me again, telling me I am no good and nobody in their right mind would want to spend time with me.

For the sake of my well being, I messaged her on Facebook this morning asking her if she was working outside today (so I can stop by to see her without feeling too intrusive).  She responded yes and she would like to see me.  Of course, my mind thinks she has somehow made a mistake so I messaged back for her to let me know when a good time is later today.  I want to talk to her about all this but am afraid I might scare her off or something.

For the record, my partner is totally cool with me spending so much time with this friend.  There is no jealousy or concern.  My partner feels bad that I am left alone a lot at night while she works so having someone I can spend time with is a blessing for her as well.  She understands that I need someone other than her to talk to and I love her so much for that.

Zoloft

Zoloft

Today is brought to you by the letter “Z” and I choose for it to stand for “Zoloft” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

Well, last day of the A to Z Blogging Challenge for April and today’s topic was chosen a month ago.  I am no longer on Zoloft, as I couldn’t handle the horrendous night sweats and am now on Prozac.  I have been on so many depression and anxiety medications over the last year that I am becoming quite an expert on meds.

IMG_9469_1I have a confession to make.  It’s my birthday and I’ve had a really great day outside in the fresh air.  I’ve tried writing this post 3 times already but don’t have much to say because I’ve switched my anti-depressant 2 weeks ago to Prozac.  So far, so good I guess.  On that note, I am going to go back outside and enjoy the rest of the early evening here in Canada.  It has been a beautiful week and so will the coming weekend.

My partner is off work this weekend so we will be busy with yard work, getting ready for summer.  I might take a few days off blogging and spend some quality time together.  If you can, try to do the same.

Yearn

Yearn

Today is brought to you by the letter “Y” and I choose for it to stand for “YEARN” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

I yearn for normalcy, whatever that looks like.

I yearn to be able to say yes easily to a social invite without feeling the heightened anxiety that goes along with it.

I yearn to be like the majority that have problems but aren’t floored by them.

I yearn to be off this merry-go round of medications that has turned me into a walking pharmacy.

I yearn to be able to earn enough from my photography so I wouldn’t have to 9-5 it anymore.

I yearn to be the equal partner my spouse deserves.

I yearn to not have thoughts of suicide when things get rough.

I yearn to sell it all and move to Belize.

Xylography

Xylography

Today is brought to you by the letter “X” and I choose for it to stand for “XYLOGRAPHY” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

Today I wanted to talk a bit about how having a hobby such as photography, has helped me with my battle with depression and anxiety.  As I have become more intimate with my Canon 70D, I have become interested in working with wood and photos somehow.  I have a project lined up where you transfer a photo onto wood and it was this project I saw online that got me interested in Xylography after some Google searching.  (I tend to go off on tangents when I Google)

Definition of XYLOGRAPHY

:  the art of making engravings on wood especially for printing.
Here are some examples:
Goncharov_Ksilografiya-013xylography picture

Worry

Worry

Today is brought to you by the letter “W” and I choose for it to stand for “WORRY” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

I worry, a lot.  I am constantly worrying about whether my insurance will try and send me back to work.  I worry that my neighbours wonder why my car is in the driveway each day.  Do they know why I am off work?  Do they care?  Likely not but these worries are with me constantly.  I spoke a bit about this on my previous post on Judgement. worry

Most of the things I worry about are things that are beyond my control and I realize that but it still doesn’t stop me from the worry.  My mind is my own private hell, full of worries that are useless to worry about.

Hamilton Depression Scale

Sunday and time for a break from the Blogging from A to Z Challenge this month.  I was Googling depression stuff and came across this Hamilton Depression Scale.  I have heard about some of the other scales but not this one so I of course took the test online.  I scored a 28 which is way high!  Not entirely surprised by this but it was a shock to see that the scale goes only to 30 or something.  Not sure if I should bring this up with the “Quack” at my next appointment.

This week has been rough.  I am in a depressive mood and can’t stop eating!  I think it is emotional eating or it could be the Prozac I just started.  Either way, my weight is climbing and my energy is too low to go for a run.  I did manage to do a short run this morning with my partner and our dog, but it was brutally hard and only lasted 20 minutes (walking and running on and off).  At least I felt well enough today to run so I have to remember that.

The weather has stalled in this rain, cloud, cold mix for over a week now with no end in sight.  This is not helping my mood.  I’m stuck inside all day, moping and eating, writing, and more eating.  I have gained 25 pounds in 3 months and it is adding fuel to my depression.  I am trying to look ahead to warmer weeks and gardening which is something I really enjoy.  Once it warms up a bit I’m sure it will boost my mood.

Vulnerable

Vulnerable

Today is brought to you by the letter “V” and I choose for it to stand for “VULNERABLE” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

Synonyms: Helpless, defenseless, powerless, impotent, susceptible.

Dealing with mental illness, I have often felt vulnerable.  I am vulnerable because my coping skills are gone.  What would normally be considered a minor nuisance, becomes a whole “big thing” because I feel so overwhelmed.  I am vulnerable to freaking out over the smallest of reasons as well as hair trigger anger/irritability issues.  These are new for me and I think it is really just from feeling so frustrated lately with my depression and anxiety.

My partner realized that I had a set back this week (in trying to get a referral to another psychiatrist who isn’t a quack.)  Because my coping skills are gone, she knows that small chores like phone calls or shopping are tough for me right now, she has stepped up and done all these things for me.  I feel the guilt creeping in but I know she loves me and doesn’t mind.  She realizes that I might start crying in public at any time so she makes sure when we do go out, I have my sunglasses.  She understands that I am constantly walking on eggshells, always feeling vulnerable to attack from unknown sources.

I have also been feeling rather vulnerable lately because I have been confiding in my one friend who knows about my depression and anxiety.  It is scary being honest with another person about how I have been suicidal lately.  I am so worried she will freak out and not be able to handle it.  Of course, she has not given me this idea at all, I am just ruminating bad thoughts all the time.  I am vulnerable to that.  keep-calm-and-be-vulnerable

Unkept

Unkept

Today is brought to you by the letter “U” and I choose for it to stand for “UNKEPT” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge. My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

Whenever I get into one of my depressive episodes, I become unkept.  I rarely brush my teeth and will only shower about 2 times in a week, if that.  If I didn’t have to go to my doctors appointments, I probably wouldn’t bother at all.  It all becomes so tiring, so overwhelming.

When I get depressed, I just stop caring for my well-being and because everything seems like such a chore, I forgo the basics.  I usually just pull on a sweatshirt and ball cap and make my way to the store when I must, all the while praying I don’t run into someone I know.  I have never been a girly girl so my usual is a pair of jeans and a shirt or sweater.  Right now, I am wearing my shirt I slept in and a pair a jeans that I really need to wash.  My socks I put on this morning were brought to me by my lovely golden retriever.  I usually take them off while in bed and they end up on the floor or on my dog’s bed come morning.

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