Macro Photography

Well, it’s been a few days since my last confession, er, I mean POST.  I took a few days off after the Blogging from A to Z Challenge in April.  The weather here in Ontario Canada has been fantastic with highs in the mid twenties and sun, sun, sun.  I have been spending it outdoors with my partner doing the usual Springtime yard work and planting.  My mood has been good overall with little anxiety.  My depressive mood has lifted (for how long is anyone’s guess).  I have noticed that I have a hair trigger response to things lately.  I am blaming it on the Prozac I just started for now.  Will also blame the cravings for crap food ALL THE TIME, on the meds as well.

With the nice weather, I’ve been taking more photos.  Picked up some extension tubes for my camera.  I can’t afford a macro lens so the tubes are great for the price. Here are the ones I picked up.  Best photography purchase since my Canon 70D.

I really enjoy macro photography, getting up close to flowers, bugs and even everyday objects.  Here are a few shots of zippers, fruit, bugs, glass, camera equipment, pills, keyboards and wood.

Keyboard Canon lens Camera lens efs 15-85mm Fluoxetine Lemon Lime IMG_9888 Glass IMG_9898 wholly bear caterpillar Zipper Wood Knot

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Hamilton Depression Scale

Sunday and time for a break from the Blogging from A to Z Challenge this month.  I was Googling depression stuff and came across this Hamilton Depression Scale.  I have heard about some of the other scales but not this one so I of course took the test online.  I scored a 28 which is way high!  Not entirely surprised by this but it was a shock to see that the scale goes only to 30 or something.  Not sure if I should bring this up with the “Quack” at my next appointment.

This week has been rough.  I am in a depressive mood and can’t stop eating!  I think it is emotional eating or it could be the Prozac I just started.  Either way, my weight is climbing and my energy is too low to go for a run.  I did manage to do a short run this morning with my partner and our dog, but it was brutally hard and only lasted 20 minutes (walking and running on and off).  At least I felt well enough today to run so I have to remember that.

The weather has stalled in this rain, cloud, cold mix for over a week now with no end in sight.  This is not helping my mood.  I’m stuck inside all day, moping and eating, writing, and more eating.  I have gained 25 pounds in 3 months and it is adding fuel to my depression.  I am trying to look ahead to warmer weeks and gardening which is something I really enjoy.  Once it warms up a bit I’m sure it will boost my mood.

Suicide

Suicide

Today is brought to you by the letter “S” and I choose for it to stand for “SUICIDE” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge. My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

Suicide, what an ugly word.  I have always hated this word because it brings up feelings of shame, remorse, guilt and embarrassment.  While struggling with anxiety and depression, I have felt the urge to end my life many times.  The thought of suicide is revolting to me but also intoxicating.  When you are feeling so low that you want the invisible warm comforting cloak of death, wrapped around you.  It’s not that I want to commit suicide, it’s just that in order for me to not be here anymore, that is needed unless I die in an accident.  On a recent plane trip, I thought to myself, I would be “ok” with this plane crashing.  I just didn’t want to commit the dirty deed myself. My previous GP once told me something that has stuck with me over the years, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”  This has deterred me in my quest for eternal sleep, on several occasions. I have been struggling with this post because I am afraid to share too much but I know my audience and what they can and can’t handle.

So on that note, I recently came across a suicide note I wrote several months ago.  It was more of a journal I started (before I started this blog) to chronicle my slow fall into a dark, depressive episode which I saw no way out of.  The journal was meant to be an educational tool to my doctor, family, etc.  I wanted people to know I tried but I was too tired to fight anymore and was going to try and kill myself. suicide

Here is an excerpt: “First off, my apologies to whoever had to find me. I did not write this note as a last action before I go, it was written over days and weeks.  Depression can be a fatal disease and it was in this case but only because I was too weak to fight.  I had decided to take control of the situation.  No longer wanting to suffer the whims of depression, I needed to end it’s life before it took mine.  Things needed to end on my terms.  I have always said to myself that if things get to where I can’t handle it anymore, then I have an out.  I can take final control, and so I did.”

The note goes on for 3 pages and it all seems rather narcissistic in hindsight.  I am no longer in that depressive episode but I know it can return with a vengeance without warning.  I am keeping the note, or rather journal for now.  I have not decided to die so far but the future is a mystery.  I know that my depression is likely to return again and I will feel the urge to hurt or punish myself once again.  I just hope that when that day comes, that I can resist the urge.

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed

Today is brought to you by the letter “O” and I choose for it to stand for “OVERWHELMED” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

There have been so many times I have felt just utterly overwhelmed.  When my depression is at it’s worst, simple tasks become gargantuan.  Going to work, grocery shopping, making dinner and all while trying to keep up appearances.   It can be so tiring.  At those times, I just want to give up and curl into a ball in the comfort of my bed. overwhelmed2

In a recent depressive episode, I tried to make something to eat in the morning and my egg rolled off the counter top and broke on the floor.  This sent me back to my bed crying, without eating.  It was just too much, too overwhelming.  That is depression and it can be brutal.

I lost my coping skills long ago, almost 10 months ago when I had to go off work and onto short term disability.  I have yet to regain them and sometimes when I have too much planned or too many appointments, I get anxious and start feeling overwhelmed over the simplest tasks.  Brushing your teeth shouldn’t feel like a chore.

Lethargy

lethargy

Today is brought to you by the letter “L” and I choose for it to stand for “Lethargy” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

When I am in one of my depressive episodes, I know it is really bad when the lethargy sets in.  I lie in bed in the dark, both unable and unwilling to move.  My lack of appetite is partly due to the fact that my body perceives “getting up and making something to eat” as a tiresome process.  I lie there thinking I should eat something but it is just too much of a deal to make anything.  That would require some thought, dexterity, energy and patience- all of which I rarely possess when I am depressed.

Lethargy can be strangely soothing at times.  I think to myself that I don’t need to go anywhere, I can just stay wrapped up in the warm blanket of depression, tears flowing down my face as I lie paralyzed in my bed.  Forget the responsibilities, forget the errands, forget getting dressed and just be lethargic.

Insomnia

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Today is brought to you by the letter “I” and I choose for it to stand for “INSOMNIA” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

Everyone now and again loses sleep, it’s a fact of life.  Insomnia is different. Insomnia is a persistent disorder that can make it hard to fall asleep, hard to stay asleep or both, even though you have the opportunity.  My insomnia comes and goes, varying according to my depressive episodes.  Most of the time it’s that giant “hamster wheel” in my head churning all night, that keeps me from slumber.  Sometimes my brain might be quiet but I am just so antsy, writhing around uncomfortably in bed while my partner tries to sleep beside me.  At those times, I’ve learned it’s best to just get up and leave the bedroom for both our sakes.

When my insomnia gets bad, I start noticing subtle hints that I am being effected during the day.  I will get spaced out and feel very lethargic.  I will also start eating more, especially carbs and junk food which amplifies the problem.  I used to take Trazadone at bedtime, now it is Seroquel (quetiapine).  Lately I’ve being doubling my dose in an attempt to tame the “hamster wheel” but after I manage to fall asleep, I awake in a pool of sweat at 2:30 AM, unable to sleep again for hours.

insomnia-canstockphoto6307948-2I know why my insomnia has reared it’s ugly head recently.  It’s because my parents are returning from their Winter home down south and I haven’t seen them in a few months.  It’s always awkward around them because they want to talk about my depression and anxiety, but don’t know how to act or what to say.  They usually just ask my partner how I am doing, in fear of setting me off or something.  They have no clue!  They also ask really dumb questions and I try to be patient but it’s maddening.  Maybe they should read some of my blog posts?  What do you think, should I share a few blog posts with them?

Help

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Today is brought to you by the letter “H” and I choose for it to stand for “HELP” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

I always as far back as I can remember, have always asked for professional help with my depression and anxiety.  When I first started getting depressive episodes back in my late teens and early twenties, I sought help with counseling from my doctor, as well as a psychiatrist.  Fast forward twenty something years now and things haven’t changed much.  I would say I wasn’t getting the right kind of help I needed.  Some would argue that the help has been working as I am still here.

I imagine that there are a lot of people who don’t ask for help with their mental illness, out of fear or maybe they don’t think they have the resources available to them.  Recently, I have been seeing a nurse at my GP’s office for counseling sessions and it was a resource I did not know existed until I dragged myself into my doctor’s office during a particularly alarming  depressive episode recently.  During this appointment, I was also given a few other resources I had no clue about.

If you are the type who does not seek help when you really need it, please be aware that there are options out there and resources that might help you.  They did for me.  Summon up the courage and ask for help.  It doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you value yourself.   You are worth it!help