Today is brought to you by the letter “Z” and I choose for it to stand for “Zoloft” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

Well, last day of the A to Z Blogging Challenge for April and today’s topic was chosen a month ago.  I am no longer on Zoloft, as I couldn’t handle the horrendous night sweats and am now on Prozac.  I have been on so many depression and anxiety medications over the last year that I am becoming quite an expert on meds.

IMG_9469_1I have a confession to make.  It’s my birthday and I’ve had a really great day outside in the fresh air.  I’ve tried writing this post 3 times already but don’t have much to say because I’ve switched my anti-depressant 2 weeks ago to Prozac.  So far, so good I guess.  On that note, I am going to go back outside and enjoy the rest of the early evening here in Canada.  It has been a beautiful week and so will the coming weekend.

My partner is off work this weekend so we will be busy with yard work, getting ready for summer.  I might take a few days off blogging and spend some quality time together.  If you can, try to do the same.

Hamilton Depression Scale

Sunday and time for a break from the Blogging from A to Z Challenge this month.  I was Googling depression stuff and came across this Hamilton Depression Scale.  I have heard about some of the other scales but not this one so I of course took the test online.  I scored a 28 which is way high!  Not entirely surprised by this but it was a shock to see that the scale goes only to 30 or something.  Not sure if I should bring this up with the “Quack” at my next appointment.

This week has been rough.  I am in a depressive mood and can’t stop eating!  I think it is emotional eating or it could be the Prozac I just started.  Either way, my weight is climbing and my energy is too low to go for a run.  I did manage to do a short run this morning with my partner and our dog, but it was brutally hard and only lasted 20 minutes (walking and running on and off).  At least I felt well enough today to run so I have to remember that.

The weather has stalled in this rain, cloud, cold mix for over a week now with no end in sight.  This is not helping my mood.  I’m stuck inside all day, moping and eating, writing, and more eating.  I have gained 25 pounds in 3 months and it is adding fuel to my depression.  I am trying to look ahead to warmer weeks and gardening which is something I really enjoy.  Once it warms up a bit I’m sure it will boost my mood.

Anxiety Climbing

Well, it’s the end of the week and time to reflect.  I haven’t been filling out my mood journal like I am supposed to and now I am feeling guilty.  Over the past 2 weeks I have been great, but the last day or so I have been feeling what I would call, “off”.  Not sleeping at night, feeling groggy and sick the next day.  I have that feeling you get when you are about to come down with a cold.  Scratchy throat, achy, tired, headaches and just a general malaise.  I am eating like crazy and it’s all junk food–I really can’t stay away from it.  As I write this, I am eating my 2nd Cadbury Caramilk Egg and absolutely loathe myself.  My psychiatrist says it might be the Zoloft I started 2 months ago as it is known to cause weight gain and cravings.  I’m craving hot sauce (out of nowhere), chocolate, salty foods and carbs.  I am gaining weight like crazy (after having lost over 60 lbs) and next week is going to be a shit show.

To start off, my parents whom I love dearly, are returning from their winter home next week and it’s been a few months since we’ve seen each other.  Sure, we’ve Skyped or Face Timed a lot but there has been that physical distance that has protected me from their well meaning, but dumb questions.  The questions thankfully have stopped, now my parents usually just ask my partner how I am doing.  We were actually just discussing what I want her to say when my parents start with the questions.  They have no clue about depression and anxiety and as a result, sometimes say hurtful things and ask strange questions.

I just finished the 3rd Caramel Egg and moved onto a chocolate bar.  Now I hate myself!  Stupid half priced Easter candy!!  I couldn’t resist the deals and these cravings are really tough.  I have never experienced them before, it’IMG_9776s almost like I am pregnant or something which would surprise the hell out of me AND my partner.  My energy has been low so I haven’t run, whether it’s on the treadmill or outside.  I seem to be full of excuses, maybe that’s why the scale is slowly creeping up again.

Once my parents return, I need to talk to them about my depression and anxiety and maybe about this blog.  So far it had only been my partner who I shared some posts with (only a handful and she doesn’t know the URL) but last night I cut and pasted a blog post and emailed it to my friend in hopes of her understanding what I go through a little more.  She doesn’t know the URL or anything else I’ve posted and I had been waiting to hear back from her anxiously.  We communicate on Facebook Messenger all the time so it was nerve wracking waiting for a reply overnight and into today.  I couldn’t wait any longer as a was regretting sending that email now and my anxiety was climbing.  I messaged her something about thanking her for inspiring me to make my own bird feeder (she has a cool one I copied) and she responded back, “Your Welcome,that’s what friends are for.  Speaking of inspiration, I read Your blog, my mind has been going in many different directions since.  Maybe we can talk about it sometime.”

I immediately started panicking thinking, “What does she want to talk about?”  “What does she mean when she says her mind is going in many different directions?”  I pick apart every line, every word in the message looking into it’s possible real meaning.  I’ve calmed down now, I’ve realized how crazy that negative internal dialogue is making me.  She also said she was my friend but of course I ignored that fact rather conveniently.  I asked why that makes me anxious and then immediately changed the conversation, letting her know I have ducks fornicating in my pool.  On a side note, they land in the pool every Spring and it drives my dog crazy. IMG_9766

My apprehension of my parents return next week is climbing and so is my self hatred and feelings of inadequacy. I am sure my mother will say something about my weight gain, totally unaware that I don’t want her broaching this subject.

I’m sorry for rambling on, just trying to get it all out I guess- it’s all pretty exhausting.  Thanks for listening.



Today is brought to you by the letter “G” and I choose for it to stand for “GUILT” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

From Wikipedia:

Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes —accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation. It is closely related to the concept of remorse.  (More on that topic later in the month)

Sound familiar?  Guilt seems to travel hand in hand with depression, or at least it has with mine.  I frequently feel guilty that I am off work on disability and earning a smaller salary as a result.  This makes me feel like I am not pulling my weight in my relationship and starts all sorts of negative self talk in my head.  8c3206994a71f489bf6a5ea60663d8d7I know I shouldn’t think like that and my partner is fine with that whole thing but I can’t stop thinking that, no matter how many times you tell me.  I know it’s frustrating to you, guess how I feel?

I also feel really guilty that I am not “there” for my partner like she is for me.  She never needs anything, as she has such a sunny disposition and is always happy it seems.  Right now as I write these words, I can hear her upstairs in the kitchen puttering around, whistling some made up tune.  I wish I wasn’t in an anxious or depressed mood half the time, ruining her mood.  I sometimes wonder why she is still here with me after 25 years, it’s a shear miracle.

I feel very guilty when my depression floods back in suddenly and I am left crumpled in my bed, unable to take my dog for a walk.  My partner takes her alone and just “understands”.  My poor sweet dog, loves me unconditionally and here I am, ignoring her wants and desires.  Walks are what she lives for and sometimes I can’t get my ass out of bed to make her happy.

Thank goodness I am having another good week and my energy has slowly returned.  I can actually feel the difference between being depressed and just being lazy so I’ve started running again.  My partner and I had started running again this Spring, after a few years layoff but it lasted until it started snowing again.  I need to keep it up and make it a habit if it stands a chance of sticking.  In the meantime, I’m slowly catching myself more and more when I slam myself into a guilt trip and try to put the brakes on it before my whole mood gets shot for the day.  I am also feeling more creative with my photography and can’t wait for some warmer weather here in Canada to get out and shoot some Spring flowers.