Empty

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Today is brought to you by the letter “E” and I choose for it to stand for “EMPTY” as part of the A to Z Blog Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

For the better part of a year or two, I have been feeling very lost and empty inside.  Not sure where I’m going and why I’m going there.  If we could, my partner and I would sell everything and go retire in Central America somewhere like Panama or Belize.  We aren’t old enough for retirement and then if we did that, what would happen then?  What would I do?  Would my depression and anxiety suddenly be cured?  Would my emptiness be filled?  I’m not sure it would be that easy. 40-something

I wonder if I am going through a mid life crisis?  I know I am already peri-menopausal.  My doctor even put me on birth control pills to try and level my moods out in case my anxiety was being caused by fluctuating hormone levels.  I wrote about this strange experience in a recent blog post entitled, “What’s a Lesbian To Do With Birth Control Pills?

I am off from work on medical leave and sometimes wonder if I will ever return.  I feel there is something else out there, the universe has plans, I just can’t see them yet.  I can’t imagine being back at work without me crying in the bathroom again, or having a panic attack as I sit in my car.  Am I supposed to go back to this and just “deal”?  I don’t see that happening anytime soon and that leaves me with this huge void inside.  I feel empty and lost like some stray buoy, bobbing aimlessly in the sea.

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What’s a Lesbian To Do With Birth Control Pills?

So, recently I got birth control pills. I know, I know, what’s a lesbian to do with birth control pills?

As part of a peri-menopause study, I get to go see a bunch of doctors twice a year to check on the usual stuff like periods, moods, YADA YADA YADA.

Well, the doctor thinks my recent anxiety issues might be due to peri-menopause and fluctuating estrogen levels. That would be great because I’ve tried all the usual suspects with meds, nothing seems to work. Maybe we’ve been targeting this from the wrong angle?

I just feel weird being in a same sex monogamous relationship and being on birth control pills! Where were these things in college when I needed them?
What is the pharmacist going to think? I have been going there for 15 years and NOW I’m experimenting with straight sex?! Oh god I hope not.

What will my psychiatrist think? I already feel weird bringing up girl stuff like periods and mood swings with him. Just don’t ask me how I feel about it.

Oh, and I had better not wake up straight!