Macro Photography

Well, it’s been a few days since my last confession, er, I mean POST.  I took a few days off after the Blogging from A to Z Challenge in April.  The weather here in Ontario Canada has been fantastic with highs in the mid twenties and sun, sun, sun.  I have been spending it outdoors with my partner doing the usual Springtime yard work and planting.  My mood has been good overall with little anxiety.  My depressive mood has lifted (for how long is anyone’s guess).  I have noticed that I have a hair trigger response to things lately.  I am blaming it on the Prozac I just started for now.  Will also blame the cravings for crap food ALL THE TIME, on the meds as well.

With the nice weather, I’ve been taking more photos.  Picked up some extension tubes for my camera.  I can’t afford a macro lens so the tubes are great for the price. Here are the ones I picked up.  Best photography purchase since my Canon 70D.

I really enjoy macro photography, getting up close to flowers, bugs and even everyday objects.  Here are a few shots of zippers, fruit, bugs, glass, camera equipment, pills, keyboards and wood.

Keyboard Canon lens Camera lens efs 15-85mm Fluoxetine Lemon Lime IMG_9888 Glass IMG_9898 wholly bear caterpillar Zipper Wood Knot

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Yearn

Yearn

Today is brought to you by the letter “Y” and I choose for it to stand for “YEARN” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

I yearn for normalcy, whatever that looks like.

I yearn to be able to say yes easily to a social invite without feeling the heightened anxiety that goes along with it.

I yearn to be like the majority that have problems but aren’t floored by them.

I yearn to be off this merry-go round of medications that has turned me into a walking pharmacy.

I yearn to be able to earn enough from my photography so I wouldn’t have to 9-5 it anymore.

I yearn to be the equal partner my spouse deserves.

I yearn to not have thoughts of suicide when things get rough.

I yearn to sell it all and move to Belize.

Photography

Photography

Today is brought to you by the letter “P” and I choose for it to stand for “PHOTOGRAPHY” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

I have always been an amateur photographer who owned a cheap Canon Rebel DSLR, happily snapping away during vacations.  I would seldom venture out of the automatic settings because it was all too complicated.  I rarely used my camera unless it was a special occasion.  I recently upgraded to a Canon 70D (what a difference) and now I look for excuses all the time to take it out.  I have rekindled my love with photography and it has been helping me with my depression and anxiety.

Recently I also began submitting photographs to stock photography sites like iStock, Shutterstock and Fotolia.  This was after so many people have complimented me on my photos over the years. Usually there would be tons of great comments on my Facebook posts after I would post my travel photos.  This got me to thinking, maybe I can sell my photos to somebody.  Would someone PAY me for my photos?

I had heard of Stock Photography before but wasn’t really sure what exactly it was?  Turns out, these Stock Photography websites will allow you to upload your best pictures to their sites and other people can purchase use of them.  Who are buying these photos?  Many many people, across a wide array of demographics.  You could have an advertising agency purchase your photo for usage in an ad campaign, or you could have someone who runs a small website that needs a picture of something for their site.

Sounds easy?  Well it isn’t so easy it turns out.  You have to do some research into each website you want to send photos to.  They all have different requirements and some sites even make you take a test after some required reading.  After all that you would think that anyone with some photographic talent could succeed at this.  Wrong!  I will humblebrag and say I think I can take really decent photos BUT, I got rejected many times at all the major sites.

It wasn’t until I learned how to shoot what they are looking for, rather than just going through my photos for the prettiest ones to submit.  So, there is a learning curve and the more research you do the better BEFORE you start submitting those photos.

I also learned that all those gorgeous photos you see out there in ads and magazines, were not shot “AS IS”.  You really do need a program like Adobe Photoshop or I prefer, Adobe Lightroom.  After I downloaded Lightroom, I wondered how I ever got along without it.  Not only can you adjust all your tones, colours, exposure etc.., BUT, it is also a keywording genius.
Adobe Photoshop Lightroom 5

It took 2 months but I recently sold my first photograph on one of these stock photography sites.  It was for a very small amount but it was very exciting and boosted my confidence knowing I was on the right path.

Guilt

IMG_9429

Today is brought to you by the letter “G” and I choose for it to stand for “GUILT” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

From Wikipedia:

Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes —accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation. It is closely related to the concept of remorse.  (More on that topic later in the month)

Sound familiar?  Guilt seems to travel hand in hand with depression, or at least it has with mine.  I frequently feel guilty that I am off work on disability and earning a smaller salary as a result.  This makes me feel like I am not pulling my weight in my relationship and starts all sorts of negative self talk in my head.  8c3206994a71f489bf6a5ea60663d8d7I know I shouldn’t think like that and my partner is fine with that whole thing but I can’t stop thinking that, no matter how many times you tell me.  I know it’s frustrating to you, guess how I feel?

I also feel really guilty that I am not “there” for my partner like she is for me.  She never needs anything, as she has such a sunny disposition and is always happy it seems.  Right now as I write these words, I can hear her upstairs in the kitchen puttering around, whistling some made up tune.  I wish I wasn’t in an anxious or depressed mood half the time, ruining her mood.  I sometimes wonder why she is still here with me after 25 years, it’s a shear miracle.

I feel very guilty when my depression floods back in suddenly and I am left crumpled in my bed, unable to take my dog for a walk.  My partner takes her alone and just “understands”.  My poor sweet dog, loves me unconditionally and here I am, ignoring her wants and desires.  Walks are what she lives for and sometimes I can’t get my ass out of bed to make her happy.

Thank goodness I am having another good week and my energy has slowly returned.  I can actually feel the difference between being depressed and just being lazy so I’ve started running again.  My partner and I had started running again this Spring, after a few years layoff but it lasted until it started snowing again.  I need to keep it up and make it a habit if it stands a chance of sticking.  In the meantime, I’m slowly catching myself more and more when I slam myself into a guilt trip and try to put the brakes on it before my whole mood gets shot for the day.  I am also feeling more creative with my photography and can’t wait for some warmer weather here in Canada to get out and shoot some Spring flowers.

Spring Has Sprung

Downy WoodpeckerWhat a difference a few days make.  Spent a great weekend with my partner and today I went out to photograph birds and fill the feeders.  It is just at freezing but a gorgeous sunny day and all the birds are singing.  Spring has sprung and my mood is a lot better this week.  The Cymbalta withdrawal is now behind me and my psychiatrist is back from vacation, I will see him tomorrow.

One of my older friends has decided to quit the rat race and sell everything and move to Florida with his wife– Ugh!!! I wish I could do something like that (see previous post).  For now, I will enjoy this day for tomorrow will probably be a shit show.

Depicting Depression and Anxiety Through Photography

Well, today is a better day.  Awoke at 4 AM as usual, drenched in sweat and soaking through my sleepy pants, but at least I’m not crying.  Day 4 no Cymbalta and the nausea is less noticeable and I actually have energy today.  I know its better because I went to pour myself some pop and it overflowed all over and down and counter.  I did not cry.  I did not run from the room.  I slowly mopped up the floor, cleaned the counter top and thought to myself that if this was yesterday and this happened, I would be a mess right about now.

I have always been into photography but have rarely taken my Canon DSLR off the auto settings.  I think I take decent photos but lately, my partner urged me to upgrade my camera and focus on photography.  Being home all day off work, has really made me lonely and restless lately.  This could be good.  I have been pouring over online tutorials, learning about the different settings on my camera and experimenting shooting my dog.  I prefer landscape photography but she is just so photogenic.  I want to try and capture my depression and anxiety through photographs I think.  I’m not sure what I want to shoot on this subject but I guess I’ll know when I see it.
To motivate myself, I just bought:
Adobe Photoshop Lightroom 5