I recently had a birthday. Notice I didn’t say “celebrated”? I hate my birthday, just another year older and still generally unhappy and unsatisfied with my life. I shouldn’t feel this way. I have a partner of 25 years that loves me to bits, I have a home, I travel, I have people who care about me. It still doesn’t seem like much when I am depressed and that is why we don’t mark the occasion.
I have been thinking about when in life, I started hating my birthday. I can’t seem to pinpoint any particular year but I think it was in high school. I didn’t have a lot of close friends in school so maybe I started getting bummed that I didn’t have a lot of people to celebrate it with. Maybe I started hating my birthday because I didn’t have friends who wanted to do anything for me.
I never kept in touch with my high school friends, nor the college ones. Instead, my small group of “acquaintances” are mostly my partner’s friends. Everybody loves her and she has no shortages in the friend department. I wish I could be more like her but sometimes I say the wrong thing or am disinterested when I hang with people.
Now, I think I hate my birthday because I am one year older and none the wiser. Same old depression and anxiety following me around like a pestering five year old.
When I was born, the world was so much different. I am only in my forties but I feel old. I put together a list of differences from when I was growing up, to now. They highlight just how far we’ve come.
- Being gay was illegal back then, now I am in a same-sex marriage.
- In school, you never learned about depression and anxiety-it was never spoken of or taught.
- I never had Facebook or other social media. Closest things was “IRC CHAT.”
- I am currently taking Prozac, a drug that was “the medication” for depression in the 80’s.
- Playgrounds used to have kids playing in them.
- You used to be “crazy” if you had a mental illness. (some still think this way)
- It used to be so cool if you knew someone with a phone in their car. (or a tattoo)
- Classified ads in a newspaper were the preferred way to meet someone new. Now it’s online dating sites.
Care to share some of your own?
Well, it’s been a few days since my last confession, er, I mean POST. I took a few days off after the Blogging from A to Z Challenge in April. The weather here in Ontario Canada has been fantastic with highs in the mid twenties and sun, sun, sun. I have been spending it outdoors with my partner doing the usual Springtime yard work and planting. My mood has been good overall with little anxiety. My depressive mood has lifted (for how long is anyone’s guess). I have noticed that I have a hair trigger response to things lately. I am blaming it on the Prozac I just started for now. Will also blame the cravings for crap food ALL THE TIME, on the meds as well.
With the nice weather, I’ve been taking more photos. Picked up some extension tubes for my camera. I can’t afford a macro lens so the tubes are great for the price. Here are the ones I picked up. Best photography purchase since my Canon 70D.
I really enjoy macro photography, getting up close to flowers, bugs and even everyday objects. Here are a few shots of zippers, fruit, bugs, glass, camera equipment, pills, keyboards and wood.
Today is brought to you by the letter “Z” and I choose for it to stand for “Zoloft” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.
My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.
Well, last day of the A to Z Blogging Challenge for April and today’s topic was chosen a month ago. I am no longer on Zoloft, as I couldn’t handle the horrendous night sweats and am now on Prozac. I have been on so many depression and anxiety medications over the last year that I am becoming quite an expert on meds.
I have a confession to make. It’s my birthday and I’ve had a really great day outside in the fresh air. I’ve tried writing this post 3 times already but don’t have much to say because I’ve switched my anti-depressant 2 weeks ago to Prozac. So far, so good I guess. On that note, I am going to go back outside and enjoy the rest of the early evening here in Canada. It has been a beautiful week and so will the coming weekend.
My partner is off work this weekend so we will be busy with yard work, getting ready for summer. I might take a few days off blogging and spend some quality time together. If you can, try to do the same.
Sunday and time for a break from the Blogging from A to Z Challenge this month. I was Googling depression stuff and came across this Hamilton Depression Scale. I have heard about some of the other scales but not this one so I of course took the test online. I scored a 28 which is way high! Not entirely surprised by this but it was a shock to see that the scale goes only to 30 or something. Not sure if I should bring this up with the “Quack” at my next appointment.
This week has been rough. I am in a depressive mood and can’t stop eating! I think it is emotional eating or it could be the Prozac I just started. Either way, my weight is climbing and my energy is too low to go for a run. I did manage to do a short run this morning with my partner and our dog, but it was brutally hard and only lasted 20 minutes (walking and running on and off). At least I felt well enough today to run so I have to remember that.
The weather has stalled in this rain, cloud, cold mix for over a week now with no end in sight. This is not helping my mood. I’m stuck inside all day, moping and eating, writing, and more eating. I have gained 25 pounds in 3 months and it is adding fuel to my depression. I am trying to look ahead to warmer weeks and gardening which is something I really enjoy. Once it warms up a bit I’m sure it will boost my mood.
So this post might be a bit rambling, I want to just vent about my week dealing with my depression and anxiety. My parents returned from their winter home and haven’t asked me any dumb questions about work or my depression yet. This is good and bad at the same time. I am now very anxious all the time, waiting for the subject to be broached. I see my parents just about every day in the Spring and Summer so I know it’s just a matter of time.
I told my psychiatrist today that I can’t handle the horrendous night sweats the Zoloft is giving me. They have been there since day one on Zoloft and only seem to be getting worse. I wake up at least once every night, drenched in sweat and shivering because my clothes are soaked. I thought it might go away over time but after doing some research online, I now see that is wishful thinking.
I am now going to start on Prozac tomorrow morning. Prozac has such a bad connotation with me. I immediately think of crazy people in a hospital when I hear that name. Despite this negative association I have formed, I am going to give it a shot as the night sweats and food cravings have become unbearable. Stay tuned…