Hamilton Depression Scale

Sunday and time for a break from the Blogging from A to Z Challenge this month.  I was Googling depression stuff and came across this Hamilton Depression Scale.  I have heard about some of the other scales but not this one so I of course took the test online.  I scored a 28 which is way high!  Not entirely surprised by this but it was a shock to see that the scale goes only to 30 or something.  Not sure if I should bring this up with the “Quack” at my next appointment.

This week has been rough.  I am in a depressive mood and can’t stop eating!  I think it is emotional eating or it could be the Prozac I just started.  Either way, my weight is climbing and my energy is too low to go for a run.  I did manage to do a short run this morning with my partner and our dog, but it was brutally hard and only lasted 20 minutes (walking and running on and off).  At least I felt well enough today to run so I have to remember that.

The weather has stalled in this rain, cloud, cold mix for over a week now with no end in sight.  This is not helping my mood.  I’m stuck inside all day, moping and eating, writing, and more eating.  I have gained 25 pounds in 3 months and it is adding fuel to my depression.  I am trying to look ahead to warmer weeks and gardening which is something I really enjoy.  Once it warms up a bit I’m sure it will boost my mood.

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Vulnerable

Vulnerable

Today is brought to you by the letter “V” and I choose for it to stand for “VULNERABLE” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

Synonyms: Helpless, defenseless, powerless, impotent, susceptible.

Dealing with mental illness, I have often felt vulnerable.  I am vulnerable because my coping skills are gone.  What would normally be considered a minor nuisance, becomes a whole “big thing” because I feel so overwhelmed.  I am vulnerable to freaking out over the smallest of reasons as well as hair trigger anger/irritability issues.  These are new for me and I think it is really just from feeling so frustrated lately with my depression and anxiety.

My partner realized that I had a set back this week (in trying to get a referral to another psychiatrist who isn’t a quack.)  Because my coping skills are gone, she knows that small chores like phone calls or shopping are tough for me right now, she has stepped up and done all these things for me.  I feel the guilt creeping in but I know she loves me and doesn’t mind.  She realizes that I might start crying in public at any time so she makes sure when we do go out, I have my sunglasses.  She understands that I am constantly walking on eggshells, always feeling vulnerable to attack from unknown sources.

I have also been feeling rather vulnerable lately because I have been confiding in my one friend who knows about my depression and anxiety.  It is scary being honest with another person about how I have been suicidal lately.  I am so worried she will freak out and not be able to handle it.  Of course, she has not given me this idea at all, I am just ruminating bad thoughts all the time.  I am vulnerable to that.  keep-calm-and-be-vulnerable

Therapy

Therapy

Today is brought to you by the letter “T” and I choose for it to stand for “THERAPY” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge. My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

I attend therapy (if that’s what you want to call it), once a week for 20 minutes.  Hardly seems like enough time for anything therapeutic if you ask me.  I have been trying to get a referral to a new psychiatrist but nobody will accept me because I already have a psychiatrist. (the Quack I wrote about a few days ago)

I had my hopes up earlier in the week when my GP’s office called me with a referral to another psychiatrist.  I called and they never called back.  A nurse from the GP’s office called again this morning to say the new psychiatrist wouldn’t call me back because they wouldn’t be accepting me as a patient due to the fact they don’t offer “second opinions.”  That really bothered me and I keep thinking to myself, “do I have to hurt myself in order to get help?”  This upsets me to think like this and I have been crying on and off all day today, unable to control my emotions. My partner came home from work to be with me.  She didn’t have to but I appreciated it.  To stop the crying, I took a Clonazepam and waited for it to make me drowsy.  I laid down and cried myself to sleep.

This is why I need therapy.  I think I need a psychiatrist who will work with CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) or something.  I’m not really sure what CBT actually is but I heard it might help.  I also think I need a psychologist but those are not covered by insurance.   All I know is I am very frustrated and need some sort of effective therapy, not the type I am getting now.

I have an appointment with my Quack this morning and my partner is going with me to lay down the law.  I don’t have the nerve to do it so my partner will be the “bad guy”.  I need to fire my psychiatrist first, so I can get another one which means I will be without my prescriptions and insurance paperwork for awhile.  This is not acceptable and brings me back to where I am thinking I need to hurt myself in order to get the help I am looking for.  Frustrating.

Quack

Quack

Today is brought to you by the letter “Q” and I choose for it to stand for “QUACK” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

A “quack” is a “fraudulent or ignorant pretender to medical skill” or a person who pretends, professionally or publicly, to have skill or qualifications he or she does not possess.

Lately I have been very frustrated with my psychiatrist.  I frequently refer to him as a quack whenever I speak of him.  He is absolutely useless and doesn’t ask me very much.  If I am not talking, there is this awkward silence that just hangs over the room.  He’ll just stare at me, waiting for me to say something, it’s awful.  At the end of our twenty minute weekly session, he will ask me if I need any refills and that’s it.  No cognitive behaviour therapy or anything “doctorly” or therapeutic ever happens and the only reason I still see him is because of my insurance and I need prescriptions. Quack

This picture was taken in my backyard.  We have ducks visit our pool every Spring.  This little duck reminds me of my psychiatrist.  I should name him “Quack.”