Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed

Today is brought to you by the letter “O” and I choose for it to stand for “OVERWHELMED” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

There have been so many times I have felt just utterly overwhelmed.  When my depression is at it’s worst, simple tasks become gargantuan.  Going to work, grocery shopping, making dinner and all while trying to keep up appearances.   It can be so tiring.  At those times, I just want to give up and curl into a ball in the comfort of my bed. overwhelmed2

In a recent depressive episode, I tried to make something to eat in the morning and my egg rolled off the counter top and broke on the floor.  This sent me back to my bed crying, without eating.  It was just too much, too overwhelming.  That is depression and it can be brutal.

I lost my coping skills long ago, almost 10 months ago when I had to go off work and onto short term disability.  I have yet to regain them and sometimes when I have too much planned or too many appointments, I get anxious and start feeling overwhelmed over the simplest tasks.  Brushing your teeth shouldn’t feel like a chore.

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Judgement

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Today is brought to you by the letter “J” and I choose for it to stand for “JUDGEMENT” as part of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.

I used to judge people all the time, mostly subconsciously at first.  I can think back in time, to all the instances where I have passed false or inappropriate judgement onto someone else.  I feel guilty of passing judgement so quickly and readily but I feel it is human nature.  It might not be one of the prettier sides of human nature but it is there none the less.

Dealing with my depression and anxiety, I have learned over the years that the only person I should reserve judgement for is myself.  This is not healthy either but at least I have more compassion for others this way.  I am my own worse critic so I can be brutal on myself at times.  I constantly worry about things like whether or not my friends and neighbours know I am off work on short term disability.  Do they know I have a mental illness (or two)?  What would they think about me as a person if they found out?  They respect and like me, would that change?  774958e5d5b7e2de6fabc1f4cfac1b68

I worry so much about the judgement I would face, that I keep my depression and anxiety a secret from the world.  I figure if I could judge someone unfairly then why wouldn’t someone judge me?  It’s a fair question and I don’t think I am being hard on myself, I just understand human nature and it can be ugly at times.  Mental illness is a topic rife for judgement whether that’s right or wrong.  In fact, it’s so prevalent that it has us mental illness sufferers hiding in the dark, suffering alone many times for fear of driving friends away.

I need to work on my self judgement, that is one of the reasons I started this blog.  By slowly unmasking more and more of who I am through my writing, I hope to improve my self confidence and stop the negative self judgement.

Long Term Disability

Received a letter from my insurance notifying me that my STD (short term disability) is coming to an end in 2 months.  Wow, have I really been off work for that long?  After a year, LTD (long term disability) kicks in but its a whole thing!  The insurance will want more forms to be completed by my psychiatrist and I need to PROVE I can’t do my job still.  These days, the only thing besides the thought of returning to work that is causing me anxiety, is dealing with the insurance company.  Just because I’m not in a wheelchair with 2 broken legs  or some other physical malady, then I should be fine by now!  That’s what they seem to think.  I wonder what I need to do to prove I am not able to work.  Do I need to harm myself?

My depression and anxiety are not getting better and lately, they’ve been worse.  I have a dear friend who just had her ovaries removed and a hysterectomy yesterday and she will be home from the hospital on Sunday.  I am expected to help look after her which is what friends do for one another.  I am just so worried I will disappoint her in some way, as I am having a hard time looking after myself properly these days.