Today is brought to you by the letter “D” and I choose for it to stand for “DEPRESSION” as part of the A to Z Blog Challenge.
My theme for this Challenge is depression and anxiety and all that goes with it.
Wow, this is a big one. THE one actually, at least for me. When I am in one of my lows, I don’t get dressed, I don’t eat (or I overeat), I cry most the day and I can’t stop thinking about dying. I was like this only 2 weeks ago but I “seem” to be in good spirits this week. Although I will take every good day, I do so tentatively, like I’m walking on eggshells. Afraid I will go back to that dark space again.
I have a weird confession to make. When I hear about people who have committed suicide, I think “wow, lucky-they got out.” Then I get more depressed because I can’t summon up that final bit of courage to kill myself. Which in turn makes me feel horrible about myself, it’s a vicious cycle. It’s not that I want to kill myself, it’s just that I’m tired, frustrated and feel hopeless. All I really want is to be dead, to not exist anymore. This seems to be the only way for it to stop. Last time I was on a plane, I thought to myself, “I would be O.K. with this plane going down.” Of course I wouldn’t really want that because of all the other people who are on this plane too. If it was as easy as flipping a switch of some sort, I would be gone long, long ago.
In the throes of another depression about twenty years ago- which was being fueled by alcohol (I was younger and dumber), I almost killed myself but THAT is another story. People don’t know this side of me because I don’t share it with anyone except my partner and 1 other person and that person knows a “sanitized” version only. I am always afraid that if people found out, they would shun me or think less of me. This worries me so much, that they will “see through the facade” and find I’m really a fraud.
Because depression is such a big part of my life, and I haven’t (or won’t) share it with anyone, I don’t have a lot of close friends as a result. This does bother me although I have turned from a social butterfly to a shy, introverted type who rarely goes out and mingles. I would like to change that. While I am feeling good, I need to try and “get out there”. It is Spring now, the snow is slowly melting away. The crocuses and daffodils should be up soon. Going to go to the Sugar Bush tomorrow for Easter so hopefully I will get some good photos to share. For you non Canadians and Northern U.S. folks, the Sugar Bush is where you go to see the maple sap being collected from the trees and processed into maple syrup.