Well, it’s the end of the week and time to reflect. I haven’t been filling out my mood journal like I am supposed to and now I am feeling guilty. Over the past 2 weeks I have been great, but the last day or so I have been feeling what I would call, “off”. Not sleeping at night, feeling groggy and sick the next day. I have that feeling you get when you are about to come down with a cold. Scratchy throat, achy, tired, headaches and just a general malaise. I am eating like crazy and it’s all junk food–I really can’t stay away from it. As I write this, I am eating my 2nd Cadbury Caramilk Egg and absolutely loathe myself. My psychiatrist says it might be the Zoloft I started 2 months ago as it is known to cause weight gain and cravings. I’m craving hot sauce (out of nowhere), chocolate, salty foods and carbs. I am gaining weight like crazy (after having lost over 60 lbs) and next week is going to be a shit show.
To start off, my parents whom I love dearly, are returning from their winter home next week and it’s been a few months since we’ve seen each other. Sure, we’ve Skyped or Face Timed a lot but there has been that physical distance that has protected me from their well meaning, but dumb questions. The questions thankfully have stopped, now my parents usually just ask my partner how I am doing. We were actually just discussing what I want her to say when my parents start with the questions. They have no clue about depression and anxiety and as a result, sometimes say hurtful things and ask strange questions.
I just finished the 3rd Caramel Egg and moved onto a chocolate bar. Now I hate myself! Stupid half priced Easter candy!! I couldn’t resist the deals and these cravings are really tough. I have never experienced them before, it’s almost like I am pregnant or something which would surprise the hell out of me AND my partner. My energy has been low so I haven’t run, whether it’s on the treadmill or outside. I seem to be full of excuses, maybe that’s why the scale is slowly creeping up again.
Once my parents return, I need to talk to them about my depression and anxiety and maybe about this blog. So far it had only been my partner who I shared some posts with (only a handful and she doesn’t know the URL) but last night I cut and pasted a blog post and emailed it to my friend in hopes of her understanding what I go through a little more. She doesn’t know the URL or anything else I’ve posted and I had been waiting to hear back from her anxiously. We communicate on Facebook Messenger all the time so it was nerve wracking waiting for a reply overnight and into today. I couldn’t wait any longer as a was regretting sending that email now and my anxiety was climbing. I messaged her something about thanking her for inspiring me to make my own bird feeder (she has a cool one I copied) and she responded back, “Your Welcome,that’s what friends are for. Speaking of inspiration, I read Your blog, my mind has been going in many different directions since. Maybe we can talk about it sometime.”
I immediately started panicking thinking, “What does she want to talk about?” “What does she mean when she says her mind is going in many different directions?” I pick apart every line, every word in the message looking into it’s possible real meaning. I’ve calmed down now, I’ve realized how crazy that negative internal dialogue is making me. She also said she was my friend but of course I ignored that fact rather conveniently. I asked why that makes me anxious and then immediately changed the conversation, letting her know I have ducks fornicating in my pool. On a side note, they land in the pool every Spring and it drives my dog crazy.
My apprehension of my parents return next week is climbing and so is my self hatred and feelings of inadequacy. I am sure my mother will say something about my weight gain, totally unaware that I don’t want her broaching this subject.
I’m sorry for rambling on, just trying to get it all out I guess- it’s all pretty exhausting. Thanks for listening.